Love, Sex, and Magic: Part 1

Part 1: LOVE

DAY 1 - 2:48 AM

It's Friday night, late. I'm flying out of SeaTac at 9:30 tomorrow morning, and I haven't even begun to pack. It shouldn't be a big deal; it's a simple 3 day trip, so I won't need too much clothing. Just something to wear all day tomorrow, something for church on Sunday, and something to roam around in on Monday. Oh wait, I need something for Tuesday, too, since I'll be headed straight to work when I get back. Hey: I can get some of this stuff there in Cali! Besides, I'm too tired to think about it right now anyway.

All I've been able to think about is him: Peter. He's the reason I can't sleep; the reason I can't stop smiling right now; the reason I'm looking forward so much to this mini-vacation. I met Peter about 3 years ago, when I was a secretary to the EQP, and he was a newbie in the ward. I was a young, enthusiastic socialite with a big personality, and he was a handsome 30 year old introvert with no interest in making friends. He intrigued me for obvious reasons, and I pursued a friendship with him for months before I finally found a common interest that broke down the walls: music. He loves to sing, and so the first time I got him to come hang out with me was by inviting him over to play and sing songs around my piano with my fam and friends. We also share a mutual love for "Settlers," and once we made that connection, our friendship was sealed!

Years and many miles later, Peter and I still keep in touch, and visit each other as oft as possible. This weekend, he is flying me out to his place in San Jose to perform an original song of mine in his ward, where they've finally broken him down enough to get him to sing in church. I am SO EXCITED! To get to spend 3 days with one of my most favorite people in the world...

See, here's the thing: I've grown to love Peter so much over the last couple years. No, he's not your typical "Peter Priesthood" (despite the name!), but he is one of the most mature, sensible, funny, and all-around beautiful guys I've ever come to know. He treats me with tremendous respect, he encourages me in all of my dreams, and he makes me feel like a kid again. My favorite thing about him is that he inspires me: he has a way of getting my creative juices flowing, so the music, lyrics, and expression come out of me more naturally. It's a wonderful phenomenon, and I thirst for it insatiably. I guess you could say I thirst for him; I believe I'm in love with Peter.

My best friend Sebaztyan thinks that Peter has the same feelings for me. After all, he's 33, handsome, well-adjusted, and single. He never talks about girls, never has a girlfriend, and never dates. He gives me more attention than he does anyone else we know outside of his family. He spends crazy amounts of money on me to show me he loves me. Still, Peter has never confided any same-sex attractions to me, and I've never discussed mine around him. And it's not like I'm closeted at all. It has just been something we haven't talked about, ever. Sebaztyan thinks that now is the time to tell Peter. He says that if Peter has SSA, and has never had a comfortable opportunity to figure out that part of himself, that I could be doing him a great service by allowing him to talk about it. Besides, what if he's in love with me, too?

So I've decided: this weekend, I'm telling Peter.

DAY 2 - 12:02 AM

My heart skipped a beat when I beheld the sight of him this morning. It has been only 2 months since my last visit, but the 2-hour plane ride felt extremely long, and I was overcome with joy when I saw Pete pull up to the curb. He had the entire day planned: we went shopping, rehearsed through our music, had dinner with friends, and played "Settlers." Pete introduced me to the WiiFit, and we took turns exercising and gorging ourselves on ice cream. Peter called it a night at the stroke of 12, and I let him go to bed before I could have "the talk" with him. It just didn't come up, I guess...

DAY 3 - 12:04 AM

Pete sang like an angel today. I was honored to have my song performed by such a beautiful and talented man, and this only increased my fondness for him. After church, Pete prepared a picnic for the two of us, and we took it to the beach. We ate, we strolled through the sand and water, and talked about everything under the sun... except that. Tonight we watched "Meet the Robinson's" and the pilot to "Glee" before doing some more WiiFit. Pete went to bed again at midnight, and now I'm contemplating why I still haven't opened myself up to him. Maybe I'm just scared. I'm enjoying what we have now so much that I'm afraid of the possibility that it will change. For worse... if I tell him.

DAY 4 - 11:27 PM

Today's my last day in San Jose :(. This morning, Peter took me to the gym and assigned a new workout regime for me. Then we shopped, had lunch at Chipotle, and walked the Monterey wharf. I kept picturing myself sharing times like these with Pete more frequently, if the opportunities presented themselves. It dawned on me that we spent a lot of time doing romantic things without being romantic. Was there a chance that Peter hoped for a romance to bud as much as I did?

Tonight, we watched "17 Again," which we both really enjoyed. During the movie, I kept trying to figure out a tactful way to cuddle with Pete. I never found it, so at the end of the movie, I did a little head-on-the-shoulder lean as we sat together on the couch. He didn't flinch. Things seemed to be going well, when I decided to be a jerk and tease him about something. That led to the silent treatment from him, which led to wrestling from me. He got annoyed, and that put an awkward end to any romantic ploys for the remainder of the evening. My flight leaves at 9:30 in the morning, so we both retired to bed early: Pete to his bedroom, and me to the couch. Alone. Again. Why am I so self-sabotaging?

DAY 5 - 12:41 PM

I'm waiting at SeaTac for Sebaztyan to come pick me, and it's been an hour now. I'd be more upset, but I'm too preoccupied with thoughts of Cali. I woke up 15 minutes later than I should have, which put Pete and me 15 minutes behind schedule. I thought he'd be mad, but he just relaxed and kept an attitude of "let's not worry about what we can't change"... which just made me feel even more guilty. Before he dropped me off at the airport, he handed me a container with chocolate chip cookies and a breakfast shake. As he drove away, I couldn't help but think of what an amazing human being he is, and how much I wished I was as thoughtful, generous, or beautiful as Peter.

I made friends with a handsome college grad from China on the flight home, and we talked about our mutual love for ballroom dancing, travel, and the Seattle social scene. We exchanged contacts, and promised to hang out soon; I should have been more excited, but I felt a twinge of guilt - the kind you feel when you're being unfaithful to someone.

So now I'm sitting on this curb alone, urging myself to grow more accustomed and comfortable with this scene, because at this rate, it's what I have to look forward to doing for the rest of this lifetime. Do I love Peter? Yes. That is why I'm following the advice of someone who once wisely stated, "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." Why am I letting Pete go? Because he's always been God's man. And God deserves him: Peter is the best of the best. So who am I, then, to try and tempt Peter away from the one man that loves him the most? I now realize the truth: Peter was never mine. Even if Pete loves me the way I love him, what would confessing that to each other accomplish? We would both keep our devotions to God, and our relationship would stay the way it is now anyway. I should be happy - at least I can count on having Pete as an eternal friend :)

Guess What?

I'm EJ.
If you can tell me what it stands for, I'll give you a cookie.

Speaking of which, I love cookies.
Especially chocolate-chip cookies.
Mmmmmm.....

My sister's nickname was cookie.
Her favorite ice cream is chocolate chip cookie dough.
My favorite ice cream is probably Goo Goo Cluster.
But I really like Tin Roof Sundae, too.
My sister used to work at an ice cream shop.
Both of them.
At the same time.
I didn't, though.
Neither did my brother.

I worked for a fast-food joint.
My brother worked for Cinnabon.
Now I work for the Gap.
My brother works for Sprint.
One sister is a supervisor for mall securty.
The other doesn't even work at the mall anymore.
She works for Costco.

My parents own their own janitorial company.
I love my parents.
Really.
They're nice.

I sing.
A lot.
It's quite enthralling, actually.
I play the piano as well.
Most of the time, I sing while I play.
Or others sing while I play.
True story.

Speaking of stories....

Did I tell you about the guy who's
going to name his band after me?
Or about the girl that tried to
jack from the Gap?
Or the 4 kitties that were
abandoned in a paper bag?

Not yet?
That's okay.
Maybe some other time.

Right now, it's time for bed.
Tomorrow, I've got to go to church.
I'm LDS, by the way.
If you can tell me what that stands for...
I'll give you a cookie.

Speaking of which...

Change Is Gonna Come

A month or so ago, I wrote here about the decision I made to go 100% public with my sexual orientation in church -twice. Now don't get me wrong, I've been pretty out for a long time. Before these instances, my coworkers knew, my close friends knew, my family knew, my church leaders knew, pretty much most people knew. There was something strangely empowering, though, about allowing the entire ward, and then the entire Seattle/Tacoma metro area in on my life.

A lot of people had opinions on what short and long term effects might occur. I had my own ideas of how things would change with some people. The funny thing is that since then, I haven't noticed a dramatic change in the way people around me are acting. In fact, I have received more positive reactions than not; but in all actuality, most of my relationships are the same. The one person that changed? ME!

I've been a pretty outgoing person for the better half of my life, and I like to think that I make friends easily. But I have noticed how much more confident I've become over the last month. I have expressed my opinions more unabashedly, had more fun when going out, danced more shamelessly, laughed louder and longer, said "no" more emphatically, and much more I'm sure. I think that the reason the Lord prompted me to be so forthcoming with my Sunday School class was for this purpose: to prove to me that a raging homo like myself belongs in the neighborhood, in the church, in the world!

It's been a great feeling! I've still had some depressing moments, but overall, I've been happier. My friends have wanted to be around me more often, my family has requested more of my quality time, I've been hit on more often when out in public! Haha I know, I sound like a little girl~

Really, I'm grateful for this experience, and I'm looking forward to many more great opportunities to grow!

P.S. And I'm NOT 30! Yes, I'm talking to you, Chase!

I can't sleep. Again. I get up (relatively) early to go to the gym, put in a good day's work, come home (or go out), and take care of little things before going to bed. Often, I put in a movie, and try to lose myself in it. Most of the time, I cannot get emotionally-engaged enough to find the experience fulfilling, or satisfying. I end up feeling more numb than before I watched the movie. Symptoms that my life is not all I would like it to be; I'm depressed.

So many neat things have happened recently, and I keep forgetting to blog about them. Like my wonderful brother and his awesome best friend going out to a gay club with me last week, just so we could go dancing, and hang out together. Or the wonderful people who have recently reached out to me, as if inspired by God to talk to me. Or the workout routine that I've begun and so far am keeping to.

But everyday, I find myself in the same old slump. There are many reasons for the slump that I am not ready to let lay out on the table. I guess I'm just too tired right now to talk about it. Let's just say that there are 3 big contributing factors, and they pretty much are all my fault, so I shouldn't complain. Everyday, it becomes more and more clear to me how truly imperfect I am. I know that I need more of God's help in my life. But I've allowed distance to creep in because I've disappointed Him in so many ways, and it's tough to kneel before him with the conscience I currently harbor. I hate disappointing those I love. It's something I'm all too good at doing. It's only made worse by the silence that often accompanies it; maybe He is trying to tell me something, and I'm just not very good at listening.

Anyway, I don't even know what I'm trying to say right now. I'm just exhausted, and haven't written in a while, and I hoped it would help. It isn't, haha~

EJ 101

1) I am vain:


The other night, I hung out with a bunch of younger peeps. The youngest was just shy of 18. He was really cute, and took really good care of himself. We compared bods: he had much nicer muscles. When we talked about age, he revealed that he was born in '92, I laughed loudly, and announced I was born in '83. He stopped and gaped open-mouthed at me! "Really?!" he said. "I would have never guessed you were that old." I felt so good, and took it as a huge comment. WHY?! Because I'm vain.

2) I am lazy:

Earlier today, I got into my friend's car, and strapped myself in. It was so hot, my head immediately started to hurt. I was wearing a dark shirt and tie, and big black dancer's pants. I was so tired, though, that I didn't loosen the tie, turn up the A/C, or roll down the window. I just lay back and waited til I fell asleep to receive relief. When I woke up, my head felt like it was going to explode. All because I'm so freakin lazy.

3) I am retarded:

My co-worker dropped bombs in the bathroom at the end of the night. I decided I was going to clean the restrooms, but thought to myself, "I'd better wait to go in the men's room til the fumes clear." Not a minute later, he invited me into the boy's bathroom to prep it for cleaning, and what did I do? I walked right on in: smack dabb into the nasty, left-over Asian food + farfanuggen stench. All because I'm a moron with a terrible short-term memory.

4) I am impatient:

I'm not going to finish this post, because I don't have time for patience~

26 and a Half

I can remember being only 5
When I had my first crush on a guy
He lived next door, and every day
We'd talk, we'd laugh, we'd play

We moved far away from my dear friend
I never did see that guy again
It happened 21 years ago,
I never forgot him though.

It happened again at 6, at 10,
These little crushes on little men
Now I'm 26 and a half years old
I had no idea how my life would unfold

At 12, I felt strange curiosity
My teacher called it "puberty"
But while other boys solely vied for girls
I grasped for the best of both worlds

When 13 came, I was no longer a child
That summer, things got pretty wild
A little fling turned into 4 years
Of a double life led in fear

I look back on my teenage self
And remember all the secret things I felt
Now that I'm 26 and a half
I'm grateful to call it my past

19 was probably the toughest time yet
It's when the fork in the road and I met
The journey ahead would be rough and trying
But it'd be worth the hurting and crying

At 21 God gave my Mormon card back
But my love for mankind He did not retract
I was grateful, for I had learned and matured
Through this "disease" He would not cure

Life has been good, though it's had its downs
Still, I smile more oft than I frown
Now I'm 26 and a half
I can't believe all that's happened so fast

In 26 and a half more years
I'm pretty sure I'll still be queer
Will I ever be able to come to a place
Where I'll have a wife and kids one day?

Will I be able to someday enjoy
A traditional family, like other boys?
Or am I forever to benchwarm on the side
And watch others play, like old times?

If I must wait for the eternities
To wed, then I'll do what God asks of me
But I'm only 26 and a half
I sure hope I've the strength to last

Pride

About a month ago, a friend asked me to save today on my schedule so I could go to Pride in Seattle. It was going to be an educational experience for me because, though I've been out for quite a few years, I've never actually been to Pride before. He thought it would serve me well to go and honor the gays that came before me that helped open the eyes of the world to acceptance of men like me, like Harvey Milk and other people I fail to remember.

Then I found out that this weekend was our Multi-Regional YSA Conference. I thought I'd book myself for the conference on Friday and Saturday, and go to Pride on Sunday. I wrestled a little with the decision until my bishop called and asked me to teach Sunday School today. It was over - no Pride for me.

A very funny thing happened, though: over the last week, as I prepared the lesson for the class today, I kept getting little prickles from the Spirit. The lesson was about apostasy in the church, and how to fortify yourself against it. I was impressed to share my life openly again with this class. I was very nervous about this, but I knew that if I could do it once, I could do it again.

I remember looking out at the crowd today as I played the organ during the meeting. The entire chapel was full, and so was the overflow. Half of the gym was full as well. We had somewhere around 400 people today, from all over the state and parts of British Columbia. I was asked to teach in the chapel. Many people filed out of the chapel after Sacrament was over to attend other classes, but we still managed to fill the entire chapel for Sunday School. I was still nervous...

I spent a good deal of time this morning praying for the Spirit's aid today. Along the way, I randomly met an LDS family living near me, on their way to church. I took it as a good sign. At church, I continued to pray for help. As the opening prayer to class was spoken, I prayed for one last burst of strength. God's so good: we had an awesome lesson. The class was upbeat, and everyone was very helpful, and insightful, and inquisitive. I really enjoyed it.

At the end of the class, after we had talked about things like pride, getting offended, lacking in testimony, judging others, and other reasons why people leave the church, and counter-balancing them with a list of things to do to battle them like personal scripture study, praying often, obeying the commandments, and so on (I know, they're so simple, I love this list!), it came time to close the class. We had laughed a lot, and chatted amiably for so long, I felt pretty comfortable. I asked the class if I could get personal. I proceeded to tell them of my life at 19, coming to terms with being gay, and going through the process of repenting after making some unfortunate decisions. I told them about two friends I have, and of the experience of watching one of them take offense, and leaving the church; and the other who built a relationship with his savior, and is still here reaping the blessings that come from doing so. I chose the latter path, and was taught by him and others in my life who loved me so much that they were there for me. Now, 7 years later, I'm still here, and I'm deeply blessed because of that experience.

After the closing prayer, I received an overwhelmingly positive reaction to the class. One boy thanked me for my testimony, and told me of his own struggles with SSA, and his 5 year excommunication from the church. He's been back for 2 years now, and he's happier than ever. Another guy told me about a friend of his whom he thinks is lonely, and needs support from another guy like him, dealing with SSA, and asked if he could give his friend my number. One girl ran up to me, and gave me a hug, telling me how brave I was. Another hugged me as she cried. I couldn't believe it! We are so scared, for so long, to share our plight with people because we think the outcome will be bad. I experienced the complete opposite. I even had many beautiful, manly heteros that thanked me for the lesson. One told me that he admired people with guts, and that I had guts! Another told me it was the best lesson he'd ever had, and that he wished more people were open like that in church, because it invited the Spirit in for stronger and more meaningful bonds and experiences.

I am so grateful for this experience. I think it's ironic that I almost missed it because I was going to go educate myself on the gay world, and instead, I had the opportunity to provide one for so many Mormon kids inside the chapel of God.