This is a conversation I had with a friend of mine over emails. She's a sweet, funny woman in my parent's ward, and we've recently become friends. She asked me for advice, and I provided it, but you guys have given me tons of wonderful advice; so I asked her if I could put out conversation here so you could put in your two cents, too. Oh, and yes, I changed the guy's name.
Read this conversation I had with someone on facebook (I went to school with
his partner in Moab Utah). Please tell me what I should have said. This
really bothers me. And I can't find anywhere on LDS.org that Homosexuality
is equal to child molestation and murder.
ME: How cute did Keith change his name?
James Martin: No. Keith doesn't facebook and his partner, James's
mormon parents told him he was no longer a "Larsen" so he goes by "Martin"
...
Me: James I am so sorry and that breaks my heart! I am LDS, active,
temple worthy and also the proud parent of a gay son! This is the most un
Christ like behavior I have ever heard! Shame on your parents!!!! May they
be judged as harshly as they have judged you!!!
James Martin: "I'd be interested to know how you can be a temple worthy
Mormon & be a supportive mother of a gay son. This just tells me that you
sustain leaders who compare homosexuality with child molestation and murder
and then give these people money. You couldn't be too proud of your son or
the hypocrisy would drive you mad."
Me: I am sorry you feel that way. But I understand why.
James Martin: "Answered like a true Mormon. It was a real question. I'd
ask again but I'm not sure you understand the question. Good luck."
Me: I am a true Mormon and I do not take offense to it. I understand the
question and I also know that nothing I could say would make you change your
mind about how you feel towards the church. I am not one to debate
anything. Religion and politics on are on top of that list. You don't know
me and I don't know you. You stated your Mormon parents disowned you and I
think that is horrible and sad.
Me again: Sorry Chrissy for taking over your post on facebook. I am going
to delete my comments. James feel free to respond to me directly at
brenda.dickerson@comcast.net.
Brenda
Brenda,
I think your response was awesome! Good for you for sticking up for yourself, the church, and your son, all in one very short conversation, without attacking anyone, or apologizing for your own views. What you told Jeffery was honest, real, and very valid.
Whenever people ask me questions like that, I tend to respond with something like this:
Religion is a practice that enhances a relationship between a person and God. It is a very personal thing to me, my relationship to my Father, and I have strengthened it more by practicing the LDS faith than through any other means. If I support my leaders at church, it's not because of what they believe; it's because of what I believe. I go to church because I feel closer to God there than anywhere else. I love the temple, because God resides there, and I feel it everywhere I go when I'm there. I pay tithing because I'm grateful for the multitude of blessings God gives me daily, and He has only asked for 10% of my income. I have been blessed more than I have given, and I know that money has gone where God wants it to go. I have never given it to someone who was being payed to administer to me, because everyone who has come to my aid has done it of their own, profit-less accord.
Do I believe that there are members of the church who are close-minded, ignorant, or misinformed? Why yes, of course I do, because I've met them. I encounter them constantly, and I even support them at church, and become friends with them. Why? Because God asked me to love all of my neighbors, as I love myself. And you know what? The majority of these people have returned the favor. Some of these people have become my closest friends, and some of my best allies. And a minute number of them have ever suggested that homosexuality and pedophilia are synonymous, let alone murder. I'm sorry if that's been your experience, but it hasn't been mine; I'm very happy being a Mormon, and I think it's obvious. I respect those who are not, or leave the church by choice. I am still friends with many of these people, and they respect me too.
Really, Brenda, you were way too nice to that guy. I wish he had just appreciated your comments, instead of being a close-minded jerk about the whole thing. Do you mind if I copy our conversation into a blog?
Talk to you again soon!
Esera
There you go. What would you have said?
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Anniversary
November is a very emotionally intense month for me, every year. I don't know if the weather affects me a strange way this time of year or not, or if it's because the holidays are here, or because I'm always single in November. Maybe none of those things affect me, or maybe they all do. I think the biggest factor, though, is the fact that November marks my anniversary of the split from my college sweetheart back in '01.
It's kinda pathetic, seeing as it happened 7 years ago now. It's significant, though, because it catapulted a great series of events that brought me to where I am today. I don't know exactly why, but I feel impressed to share this experience for the first time in writing:
I called him Ty Ty. I met him through his best friend and roommate, J., whom I thought was beautiful and super nice. One night, J. invited me to hang out with him and his rommies. I accepted, only to find out that it was a group date - haha. I was the 7th wheel that night! Still, I knew the 3rd roommie who was in the group, and all the girls were super nice. I remember stuffing myself on the floor in front of the passenger seat of Ty Ty's truck, while the others squashed onto seats. Ty made sure I was comfortable as possible as he drove us out to the dunes for a movie night. After that night, I became an unofficial roommate to their household. Ty, J., and I became the best of friends, practically inseparable.
A month after we met, Ty Ty and I decided to go back to the dunes alone. We ended up coming out to each other, had a romantical evening, and came back home in the morning in time to watch General Conference. We kept things pretty innocent for 3 weeks. We shared every dirty secret we'd never spoken before, and grew to love each other more than I thought was ever possible. One night, we slipped up, and went way farther than we ever meant to. We felt terrible at first, but we didn't slow down. We kept things up for another month, before Ty Ty felt so guilty that he put our romantic relationship to an end. I was so numb by now, that I didn't feel the same way Ty did. I was so used to living the double life that I didn't try to fix it. But Ty was trying to be good, and get right; I respected that, and I tried to move on. Just after Thanksgiving, at the end of November, I found myself losing grip on the one person I could share EVERYTHING with.
Throughout the remainder of the school year, I became more and more distanced from J. and Ty Ty, and I built relationships with other guys whom I could potentially share everything with. But no one was Ty Ty. Deep down inside, I was still so in love with him that I couldn't share certain intimate things with the other friends I made. I left all of that behind in November.
In April, Ty and I hung out again. We were in a very nostalgic mood, and we had one more intimate moment that did not go as far as we did in November. We went our separate ways after that, me still totally numb, and Ty suffering so much that he decided to try and take care of it.
In June, I got called into my bishop's office. I thought we were going to work on my mission papers. My parents thought I was going in to interview for the Melchizedek Priesthood. We were all wrong. The bishop received a call from Ty Ty's bishop, revealing my deepest, darkest secret to someone I never was going to tell. I was caught off guard, and as I listened to the bishop speak to me, I knew it was over. Today was the day that I would have to choose which way to go. He asked me why I hadn't told him anything til now; I told him the truth: I was scared, and I didn't want to hurt my family.
I remember the drive home from the office with my mother. She knew something was wrong. I ended up spilling this terrible part of me with her for 3 hours. She listened supportively, not totally understanding me, but she let me know she still loved me, and gave me wonderful motherly advice. She told me not to tell my father, that she'd worry about it. She told him herself, and he avoided me for 3 days as he cried. They both blamed themselves, and I reassured them that it was NOT their fault. They continued to support me, and encouraged me to participate in the local single's ward.
That's where I met my best friend Tommy. He took me out to a late dinner one night after FHE, and asked if I dealt with feelings for the same sex. I opened up to him, and we conversated the entire rest of the evening about things we had in common. It was so nice to finally have someone else around that understood me. I told him how I got disfellowshipped, and shared my experience with the bishop. He was surprised that I got outted to the bishop without an opportunity to come forth of my own accord and confess my sins. He asked how I felt about it. I realized that I wasn't angry at all. I thought about Ty in Idaho, and how hard it must have been for him to talk to his bishop. I thought about how tough it must have been for him to tell his bishop about me, and to know that his bishop would contact mine. I knew how much he suffered before, and how numb I was. I knew that if it weren't for Ty, I would still be stuck in the corner of my own closet, and I would never have talked to my bishop, my parents, and maybe not even Tommy. I decided I was grateful that Ty told his bishop.
In September, Tommy and my other besty Jerr Berr took me to my first EG Conference in SLC. It was a great experience for me, meeting other guys in the church who dealt with the same struggles I deal with. The big bonus for me? After 5 long months, Ty and I got to see each other and talk. He felt terrible for what happened to me, and spent the entire summer worried about it. I told him how I felt, and we enjoyed a pleasant night - as friends.
Something wonderful and terrible happened: I was brought closer to God, and had my life changed immensely for the good thanks to what Ty did for me. What happened to Ty Ty? He lacked the support system I had, and he gave way to the world. The boy who once suffered because of all the guilt he felt decided to stop feeling it by giving in to things that numbed him the way they numbed me. I felt terrible! Why couldn't I have been a positive force for Ty when he needed one? Instead, I was a bad influence. How ironic: the one that should have been saved because of his decisions ended up saving the lost boy that wasn't even trying to be saved.
When November came back around, I was a totally different boy from the one that existed the previous November. I was on the path to getting my life back in order, a path that was totally different from the one I was on just a year prior.
Every November, I am reminded of the tender mercies of the Lord, and for the wonderful people He's placed into my life. I would not be where I am today without them. I am also reminded, though, of the beautiful one who was lost. To this day, I still blame myself for what's happened to Ty, and will forever regret the fact that I was much too weak and selfish to help someone who positively changed my life forever.
It's kinda pathetic, seeing as it happened 7 years ago now. It's significant, though, because it catapulted a great series of events that brought me to where I am today. I don't know exactly why, but I feel impressed to share this experience for the first time in writing:
I called him Ty Ty. I met him through his best friend and roommate, J., whom I thought was beautiful and super nice. One night, J. invited me to hang out with him and his rommies. I accepted, only to find out that it was a group date - haha. I was the 7th wheel that night! Still, I knew the 3rd roommie who was in the group, and all the girls were super nice. I remember stuffing myself on the floor in front of the passenger seat of Ty Ty's truck, while the others squashed onto seats. Ty made sure I was comfortable as possible as he drove us out to the dunes for a movie night. After that night, I became an unofficial roommate to their household. Ty, J., and I became the best of friends, practically inseparable.
A month after we met, Ty Ty and I decided to go back to the dunes alone. We ended up coming out to each other, had a romantical evening, and came back home in the morning in time to watch General Conference. We kept things pretty innocent for 3 weeks. We shared every dirty secret we'd never spoken before, and grew to love each other more than I thought was ever possible. One night, we slipped up, and went way farther than we ever meant to. We felt terrible at first, but we didn't slow down. We kept things up for another month, before Ty Ty felt so guilty that he put our romantic relationship to an end. I was so numb by now, that I didn't feel the same way Ty did. I was so used to living the double life that I didn't try to fix it. But Ty was trying to be good, and get right; I respected that, and I tried to move on. Just after Thanksgiving, at the end of November, I found myself losing grip on the one person I could share EVERYTHING with.
Throughout the remainder of the school year, I became more and more distanced from J. and Ty Ty, and I built relationships with other guys whom I could potentially share everything with. But no one was Ty Ty. Deep down inside, I was still so in love with him that I couldn't share certain intimate things with the other friends I made. I left all of that behind in November.
In April, Ty and I hung out again. We were in a very nostalgic mood, and we had one more intimate moment that did not go as far as we did in November. We went our separate ways after that, me still totally numb, and Ty suffering so much that he decided to try and take care of it.
In June, I got called into my bishop's office. I thought we were going to work on my mission papers. My parents thought I was going in to interview for the Melchizedek Priesthood. We were all wrong. The bishop received a call from Ty Ty's bishop, revealing my deepest, darkest secret to someone I never was going to tell. I was caught off guard, and as I listened to the bishop speak to me, I knew it was over. Today was the day that I would have to choose which way to go. He asked me why I hadn't told him anything til now; I told him the truth: I was scared, and I didn't want to hurt my family.
I remember the drive home from the office with my mother. She knew something was wrong. I ended up spilling this terrible part of me with her for 3 hours. She listened supportively, not totally understanding me, but she let me know she still loved me, and gave me wonderful motherly advice. She told me not to tell my father, that she'd worry about it. She told him herself, and he avoided me for 3 days as he cried. They both blamed themselves, and I reassured them that it was NOT their fault. They continued to support me, and encouraged me to participate in the local single's ward.
That's where I met my best friend Tommy. He took me out to a late dinner one night after FHE, and asked if I dealt with feelings for the same sex. I opened up to him, and we conversated the entire rest of the evening about things we had in common. It was so nice to finally have someone else around that understood me. I told him how I got disfellowshipped, and shared my experience with the bishop. He was surprised that I got outted to the bishop without an opportunity to come forth of my own accord and confess my sins. He asked how I felt about it. I realized that I wasn't angry at all. I thought about Ty in Idaho, and how hard it must have been for him to talk to his bishop. I thought about how tough it must have been for him to tell his bishop about me, and to know that his bishop would contact mine. I knew how much he suffered before, and how numb I was. I knew that if it weren't for Ty, I would still be stuck in the corner of my own closet, and I would never have talked to my bishop, my parents, and maybe not even Tommy. I decided I was grateful that Ty told his bishop.
In September, Tommy and my other besty Jerr Berr took me to my first EG Conference in SLC. It was a great experience for me, meeting other guys in the church who dealt with the same struggles I deal with. The big bonus for me? After 5 long months, Ty and I got to see each other and talk. He felt terrible for what happened to me, and spent the entire summer worried about it. I told him how I felt, and we enjoyed a pleasant night - as friends.
Something wonderful and terrible happened: I was brought closer to God, and had my life changed immensely for the good thanks to what Ty did for me. What happened to Ty Ty? He lacked the support system I had, and he gave way to the world. The boy who once suffered because of all the guilt he felt decided to stop feeling it by giving in to things that numbed him the way they numbed me. I felt terrible! Why couldn't I have been a positive force for Ty when he needed one? Instead, I was a bad influence. How ironic: the one that should have been saved because of his decisions ended up saving the lost boy that wasn't even trying to be saved.
When November came back around, I was a totally different boy from the one that existed the previous November. I was on the path to getting my life back in order, a path that was totally different from the one I was on just a year prior.
Every November, I am reminded of the tender mercies of the Lord, and for the wonderful people He's placed into my life. I would not be where I am today without them. I am also reminded, though, of the beautiful one who was lost. To this day, I still blame myself for what's happened to Ty, and will forever regret the fact that I was much too weak and selfish to help someone who positively changed my life forever.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
T-Day
It's Thanksgiving guys! You know what that means: turkey, family, and stretched pants! Haha, I'm going to be cliche and tell you what I'm grateful for today, but I'm going to keep it to my top 10 things.
TOP 10 THINGS EJ's GRATEFUL TO HAVE
10. Motorized Vehicles - Man, the ability to go and see any part of the world within hours, or the opportunity to be at someone's side within minutes... what a blessing. Cars, airplanes, boats - if a place exists, we can typically get there without too much trouble.
9. Clothing - Getting dressed is so much fun! Mixing and matching colors, patterns, washes, styles, layers - I know, not always the most exciting thing, but it can be! Building up your own personal wardrobe can be such an adventure, and it's an opportunity to express yourself in a unique way, without wasting words.
8. Plumbing - For pretty obvious reasons, right? Getting those clothes you love laundered within an hour or so, taking a nice hot bath at the end of a stressful day, or quickly removing evidence of a visit to a man about a horse; I am grateful EVERY DAY that I live in this day and age where I'm not spending a lot of time boiling water, or digging holes.
7. Modern Day Technology - Some of my favorite pastimes include watching Heroes and Ugly Betty, playing video games, talking to loved ones on the phone, and blogging. Get it?
6. Food - When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm hungry, I eat. Don't ask where it goes, I just know I put it in my face.
5. Good Friends - Man was not meant to walk alone, right? Thank goodness, 'cause it'd make for a pretty boring life. I've had wonderful people leave special marks on my life over the course of my young lifetime so far, and I'm grateful for their love and support.
4. My Health - It's brought me so many blessings that I rarely think about. But man, it's so important to me. My job relies on it, my callings rely on it, I rely on it. I thank God that I have my health.
3. Music - My soul: music lives in me, and I breathe it in order to survive. It's what has helped me to sort through my emotions, understand others' perspectives on life, and gain testimony of things that God would have me know are true. It's the most personal thing I'm willing to openly share with people. I love music!
2. My Eternal Family - I have the most AWESOME family in the world! My parents are always there for me, and are quick to respond to my needs. My sisters are beautiful, and are my angels. My brother is my best friend, and is my right hand man. I am so grateful to have my family, and to be sealed to them forever.
1. A Loving Godhead - I could never express truly how grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father, who has done much for my preservation. He listens to my prayers, and answers, even when I forget to be grateful. He sent His son Jesus Christ, who bore all of my sins and afflictions. He is the truest friend. And there is no denying the influence of the Holy Ghost in my life. He has affirmed truth to me on so many occasions, and has brought my soul comfort in so many instances. I would not still be here if it weren't for these three loving companions.
So Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Eat, drink, and be merry, but not the way you're not supposed to.... right. I love you guys!
TOP 10 THINGS EJ's GRATEFUL TO HAVE
10. Motorized Vehicles - Man, the ability to go and see any part of the world within hours, or the opportunity to be at someone's side within minutes... what a blessing. Cars, airplanes, boats - if a place exists, we can typically get there without too much trouble.
9. Clothing - Getting dressed is so much fun! Mixing and matching colors, patterns, washes, styles, layers - I know, not always the most exciting thing, but it can be! Building up your own personal wardrobe can be such an adventure, and it's an opportunity to express yourself in a unique way, without wasting words.
8. Plumbing - For pretty obvious reasons, right? Getting those clothes you love laundered within an hour or so, taking a nice hot bath at the end of a stressful day, or quickly removing evidence of a visit to a man about a horse; I am grateful EVERY DAY that I live in this day and age where I'm not spending a lot of time boiling water, or digging holes.
7. Modern Day Technology - Some of my favorite pastimes include watching Heroes and Ugly Betty, playing video games, talking to loved ones on the phone, and blogging. Get it?
6. Food - When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm hungry, I eat. Don't ask where it goes, I just know I put it in my face.
5. Good Friends - Man was not meant to walk alone, right? Thank goodness, 'cause it'd make for a pretty boring life. I've had wonderful people leave special marks on my life over the course of my young lifetime so far, and I'm grateful for their love and support.
4. My Health - It's brought me so many blessings that I rarely think about. But man, it's so important to me. My job relies on it, my callings rely on it, I rely on it. I thank God that I have my health.
3. Music - My soul: music lives in me, and I breathe it in order to survive. It's what has helped me to sort through my emotions, understand others' perspectives on life, and gain testimony of things that God would have me know are true. It's the most personal thing I'm willing to openly share with people. I love music!
2. My Eternal Family - I have the most AWESOME family in the world! My parents are always there for me, and are quick to respond to my needs. My sisters are beautiful, and are my angels. My brother is my best friend, and is my right hand man. I am so grateful to have my family, and to be sealed to them forever.
1. A Loving Godhead - I could never express truly how grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father, who has done much for my preservation. He listens to my prayers, and answers, even when I forget to be grateful. He sent His son Jesus Christ, who bore all of my sins and afflictions. He is the truest friend. And there is no denying the influence of the Holy Ghost in my life. He has affirmed truth to me on so many occasions, and has brought my soul comfort in so many instances. I would not still be here if it weren't for these three loving companions.
So Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Eat, drink, and be merry, but not the way you're not supposed to.... right. I love you guys!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Definition of a Man
I am not what most people would call "butch." Don't get me wrong - I'm not a flaming rainbow boi, but I know I could be "manlier." However, as I've aged and experienced, I've learned a few things about masculinity that have helped make me secure in the man I see in the mirror:
*A man is mature. He takes responsibilities for his actions, and is accountable for his performance. He can see through perspective beyond his own, and is willing to change his mind when he's wrong.
*A man is respectable. He earns respect by giving it. He is fair in all of his interactions with others. He treats people the way they want to be treated, not just the way he wants to be treated. He is honorable, honest, and good. He takes care of the things he loves, and the people he loves even more.
*A man is humble. He understands that he does not hold complete control, and is submissive to his loving God. He is grateful for what he has, and works hard for things to come.
With this kind of understanding of what true masculinity is all about, I have had next to no trouble interacting and befriending even the manliest of heterosexuals. Some of my closest buds are construction workers, military officers, engineers, hip hop stars, firefighters, etc. We share those common traits I described above, which gives us a lot in common. We find ways to relate to each other easily, and 80 percent of them know about me. They love me, and are physically affectionate with me. We hug each other upon greeting and departure, and tell each other we love the other. They need the positive effects of the physical and emotional touch of another man just as much as I do.
Some may say I'm just extremely fortunate, and they're right - I am very blessed. However, I think that I relate to so many guys despite myself because I exude the confidence that everyone wants to have, even if I have to fake it sometimes. I am happy for the friends I have, these wonderful people who encourage me to be myself, and still love me after meeting all of me.
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