Emo

I wrote this song a few years ago. I'm in a great mood, it just came to mind, and I couldn't get it out of my head, so I thought I'd share it anyway. Haha, it gave me a good laugh, even though I was doing anything but when I first wrote it...



(Don't) Take Me For Granted

You think I'm stupid; you think I'm shallow
You think that I'm so young and naive
You think I'm hopeless; you think that I don't know
You think it's okay to walk all over me

But not anymore, that just ain't the case, no
Not anymore, just look me in the face to know

I'm not who you think I am
I won't let you take me for granted again
You're not gonna use me, or abuse me, or push me to the floor
I won't let you take me for granted anymore

Not anymore...

You say I'm easy: you say I'm awkward
You say that I can't handle the facts
You say I'm cocky: you say that I'm disturbed
You say a lot of things behind my back

But not anymore will you sit in the judgment seat
Not anymore, you've got the wrong impression of me

'Cause I'm not who you think I am
I won't let you take me for granted again
You're not gonna use me, or abuse me, or push me to the floor
I won't let you take me for granted anymore

Not anymore, no...
Not anymore...

I'm not who you think I am
I won't let you take me for granted again
You're not gonna push me to the ground, kick me when I'm down
Make a fool of me whenever your friends around
I'm not listening anymore to the words you said before
So just shut up, shut up, shut up, you whore!

I'm not who you think I am
I won't let you take me for granted again
You're not gonna use me or, abuse me, or push me to the floor
I won't let you take me for granted
So don't take me for granted anymore

Not anymore, no
Not anymore...

A Sunday Outting

All year long, I have wrestled with the thought of coming out to my Sunday School class, and using my life as an example in so many our lessons. Then, almost 2 weeks ago, after another semi-depressing conversation with my best friend, I decided that the time had arrived for me to grow the balls to finally do it. So for roughly a week leading up to last week Sunday, I prayed for the courage, and derived strength from my close friends as I prepared for that fateful time.

Sunday, June 7th, 2009 marks the day it finally happened. The lesson discussion was focused around the second coming of Christ. I used the story of Peter the disciple and Jesus Christ walking on water:

22 And straightway Jesus constrained his disciples to get into a ship, and to go before him unto the other side, while he sent the multitudes away.
23 And when he had sent the multitudes away, he went up into a mountain apart to pray: and when the evening was come, he was there alone.
24 But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.
25 And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.
26 And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.
27 But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.
28 And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.
29 And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.
30 But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.
31 And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?
32 And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased.
33 Then they that were in the ship came and worshipped him, saying, Of a truth thou art the Son of God.

I encouraged the class to pull apart the story, and to tell me what they got out of it. Their responses were wonderful. Some spoke of the miracle it was that Peter was able to walk on the water at all. Some talked about the example Christ was in setting aside time to commune with his Father in Heaven. Others spoke of their personal desires to remain faithful to Christ always, and to never be paralyzed by fear.

At the end of the lesson, we came back to the story, and pulled it apart some more. We related it to ourselves. Christ was with us once, but left to be with his Father. We know he will come back one day, but we don't know when, just like the apostles didn't know when he'd join them again. The disciples were out there on the seas during the fourth watch: this time period fell between 3-6 AM, just before dawn. We live in the last dispensation of time. In their geographical area, the winds were often very violent, and the waves very daunting. When the savior came to them on the water, it was no wonder the disciples were freaked out. Yet amidst the storm, Christ said, "Be of good cheer...". How often do those words have to give battle to the virulent torrents in our lives?

Then came the exchange between Peter and Christ. After Christ invites Peter out onto the water, Peter actually stands on it and begins to walk! That's so AWESOME!! But his environment scared him, and he began to sink. Peter IMMEDIATELY called for the savior's help, and Christ was there instantly, helping him back onto his feet. Christ's scolding, though often taken as chastising, to me sounds more like a gentle chiding: "O ye of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" Did he say, "O ye of little faith in me, wherefore didst thou doubt in me? NO! I think the implications were more along the lines of "O ye of little faith in yourself, wherefore didst thou doubt in yourself? We agreed as a class that more often than not, that's what happens in our lives. It's not that we lose faith in Christ, or doubt in him; we lose faith in ourselves, and our own abilities. We start drowning, because the waves in our lives get so high so quickly. So often, we are quick to judge Peter for sinking, but we all in essence experience the very same thing in our lives when times get scary, right?

I love verse 32: And when they were come into the ship, the wind ceased. Which says a few things to me: (1) The winds didn't let up at all the entire time Christ and Peter remained on the water. They calmed once they got to the ship. And (2) they had to get back to the ship. Now in every picture I've seen of this story's depiction, Peter and Christ were a good distance from the ship. Did Christ tow Peter through the water until they reached the boat? I don't think so. I think after Christ lifted Peter out the water's grasp, he set him on his feet, and together they walked on that water, all the way back to the boat.

When they got to the boat, what happened? Not one of the disciples judged Peter for ever sinking in that water. Instead, they were happy that Peter was there, and that Christ had come, and they all worshipped Christ together. After discussing the consequences for the righteous and the wicked when Christ comes again, our class agreed that the prize for the righteous was much better, and that we would love all of our friends and family to be there on the boat, together in love and happiness. I asked if anyone had friends or family out there in the water, drowning, or if they themselves felt like that. Most of the class responded with an understanding affirmative.

And that's when I told my class about my own experiences with drowning, with SSA, and with those in my life who came to my aid and grabbed me by the arms, lifted me out of the water, and helped me on my feet, even when I wasn't crying out for Christ's help. I got to bare my testimony to the class about how happy I am that I am still here in the church today, walking on water once again, on my way with those I love to the boat that's big enough for all of us. I told the class that my experience should not be special - that all of our friends, no matter what they deal with, whether it's abusive and addictive substances, violence, same gender attraction, depression, whatever it is - that we all belong here, that we all have a place on that boat.

This past Sunday, my bishop approached me after sacrament meeting. He is brand new to the ward, and it was only his second Sunday here when he sat in the back of my class and observed the class. He thanked me for teaching the class, and told me that the lesson was wonderful. He said he could really feel my spirit, and that he was glad I was able to share what I did with the class. I was so grateful to God for giving me the strength to do it, and for sending the bishop as reassurance that what I had done was for a good cause.



P.S. The two boys that I spoke about in my last blog? They came to my performance on Sunday! Their mother said they'd been talking about me nonstop all week, and so they came to the fireside just to hear me sing again! I was so touched.

Such an Awesome Day

Yesterday, I performed at a large Arts Festival put on by a Multi-Stake group in the greater Puget Sound area. It was the first time in 4 years that I'd done something like this, so I very nervous about it. I was asked to do a 20 min set at 10:30 in the morning. That's so early for me on a Saturday!! But I was glad to do it, and it was an even bigger treat when my family showed up, and my non-member co-workers came out to show their support. Afterwards, one of the talent managers of the day approached me, informed me that an act later in the evening canceled due to a family emergency, and asked if I'd do a repeat performance. I originally hadn't planned on sticking around for the time, but something told me to gladly accept, so I did.

So many great things came of it the rest of the day, that I am still high on the gratitude I feel.

First, I got to have a very enjoyable lunch with my co-workers, where I was given the opportunity to share the gospel with them again. They had questions about polygamy, and I was able to give them a historical and spiritual account of the events that revolved around the laws of plural marriage. Then I was able to catch the performances of other good friends I haven't been able to hear play in a long while. During another break time, I was able to go to the studio and take care of some phone calls and paperwork. My studio is close to the house of a friend who was celebrating his 21st birthday, so I was able to visit him for a while before going back. He's a recent convert, and the only member of his Buddhist family, who received me very well. We had a great time, and I was glad I went.

I went back to the church to watch another performance before my next call time. There were several children and youth walking around without adult supervision. I noticed two young girls and two slightly older boys. The two girls were probably 12ish, very good friends, and they smiled shyly at me every time we crossed paths. I recognized them from my morning set. After my second set, they gathered the courage to approach me and introduce themselves, get pictures taken with me, and encourage me to audition for American Idol (I felt like a mini celebrity!).

The two boys were 14 year old fraternal twins. They were beautiful, tall and skinny creatures with perfect hair (I learned later their mother's a hairdresser). We struck up a conversation while looking at the art on the walls. I thought perhaps they created some of it, but they hadn't this time around, they were just admirers. I asked them about their art, and they told me their individual styles. They were doing a scavenger hunt game with the art on the walls, and solicited my help, so I roamed the gallery with them, helping them find the answers to the art questions. From the talks we were having, and their behaviors, I gained a sense that they were very special, and that they needed affirmative older-brotherly love. So it only mildly surprised me when the boys latched onto me the remainder of their time at the festival. I educated them on ballroom dancing while the dancers performed, and they told me about their musical interests (country!). They confirmed my suspicions when they told me they were adopted, and that they went into the foster program when they were 4, and could still remember it. I asked if something bad happened, and they told me something terrible. But they were adopted at 7 by a nice LDS couple, and they are great kids now. My heart cracked a little bit for them, and I praised God that they were being well-taken care of.

Whenever I needed to excuse myself for even a moment, I would turn around the next second, and they were with me again. When I left them to go to the green room, they came looking for me there as well. During my performance, Max sat and watched wild-eyed, while Jake walked around. Afterwards, Max excitedly told me about his desires to become a great singer, and Jake triumphantly handed me my scavenger hunt checklist with every item marked found. They sat with me and my niece and nephews for the next half hour before they left. I was so grateful I met them, and I suspect they have meaningful futures ahead of them.

There was also a woman in the crowd who was so impressed with my performance, she called her son in L.A. to tell him about it. Apparently, she's an A&R Rep for him, and he owns his own production studio there. She also contacted her Seattle talent agent, and is now trying to hook me up with the two of them, fly me down to L.A. to see if we all mesh well, and help me get my music out there. I honestly don't know what to think, and I don't want to put my hopes in something that may not amount to something, but I'm grateful for the opportunity at any rate.

At the end of the event, I stuck around, got a couple friends together, and helped them tear down the place. I actually really enjoyed it, and I felt that kind of tired afterwards where you are exhausted from doing something good, and you know you're going to sleep well. And I did, and I woke up and had to write all about it so I never forget what and awesome day I had.

Where You're Going

Before Jason passed away, I wrote a song for him. I never had the guts to sing it to him, or to anyone else but my brother and his girlfriend. However, the song has served as such a strength to me in helping me cope with his passing, and I'm beginning to wonder if it would do the same for anyone else who has mourned his passing, or the passing of another loved one recently.

So here are the lyrics. Soon, I'll post a video of me performing it...

Where You're Going

Where you're going is beautiful
And the gift of knowing helps keep me whole
'Cause I know that one day I want to be
Where you're going

So will you please save a plot for me
Next to your place, or across the street
'Cause I know that one day I want to be
Where you're going

Promise me you'll wait
To usher me through heaven's gate
I'll meet you there one sweet day
We'll be together again

But until then, I'll do all I can
To be a good friend; I'll try to be as good a man
As you are 'cause I want to be
Where you're going

Where you're going is a special place
There's no crying, there's no sickness, and there's no pain
Everybody's happy to be
Where you're going

So promise me you'll wait
To usher me through heaven's gate
I'll meet you there one, one sweet day
We'll be together again

But til that time comes, I'm gonna live each day
As if it was my last one, and I promise to keep the faith
And walk as you did, 'cause I want to live
In that special place where now you wait
I would give anything to be
Where you're going
Where you're going

I Stand All Amazed

All I Need

I'm far from perfect
And I know You know it
I've messed up so much
I can't count how many times I've blown it

I'm sorry, so sorry
For all the times that I've been weak
And I promise to
Turn over a new leaf

Life is so tough
When you try to live it all alone
I found out how much
I've needed help along this road

You told me to find You
If I needed anything, just ask
I've been everywhere,
And now Father here I am

Now I'm falling, I'm fading
I'm praying for someone who understands

I think You're all I need
To make things right
You're all I need
To save my life
That's why I'm on my knees
Praying
I would give everything
Just to have Thee
'Cause You're all I need

I'm tired, torn down
I've been shaken up
But I'm still here, waiting
For the good in me to waken up

I'm trying so hard
To play the hand that I was dealt
But I'm overworked, and overwhelmed
And I'm desperate for divine help

'Cause I'm falling, I'm fading
I'm reaching for Your ever outstretched hand

'Cause You're all I need
To make things right
You're all I need
To save my life
That's why I'm on my knees
Praying
I would give everything
Just to have Thee
'Cause You're all I need

Father I can't do this by myself
Life alone would be a living hell
I never want to be without You again
You're my saving grace, and my best friend

Oh please
Stay with me

You're all I need
To make things right
You're all I need
To save my life
I'm on my knees
Praying
I'd give up everything
Just to have Thee
'Cause You're all I need

About the Song...

"Walk With Me" is a song I wrote a couple summers ago. I had this beautiful melody that kept running through my head, and the concept of God walking with me was always associated with it. I believe it may have been sparked by the inspirational story "Footprints in the Sand" where the author looks back on his life and sees 2 sets of prints sometimes, and one set of prints other times. After realizing that the single sets of footprints were there during the toughest times of his life, the author asked God where He was during those trying times. God loving replied, "I did not leave you alone. I carried you. Those prints are mine."


I have always loved that story, as cheezy as it may be. It truly tells of my own life experiences: I have witnessed the love of a Heavenly Father who lifts and carries me when my legs lose strength, and I feel too weak to move on. This song is special to me, because it is a reminder to me of what amazing changes have occurred in my life when I've allowed God to hold my hand and walk with me through everything.

As we look forward to the New Year, I find it quite befitting to share this song with everyone. I have big ambitions this year, and some high hopes for the improvement of my own self, and I know that with the Lord walking next to me, I can accomplish anything!

Happy New Year to you all! Stay safe, see you next year!

-EJ

Walk With Me

I am weak; I've been traveling all day on these feet
And I have no more strength left in me
So if Thou wilt pardon this heart that's been hardened
By these streets
I'm changing right now; Gotta be much more humble somehow
That's why my knees are now touching the ground
I'm praying for mercy from he who has heard me before
To Thee I implore

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Take my hand in Thine and show me the way
Savior, please stay
Come with me, Go with me
Walk with me

I have not the strength to run, I am hardly standing
But if Thou wilt walk with me I can do anything
I will be faithful; I will be humble
Whatever I may need
If Thou wilt walk with me

I am cold; I've been out here all night all alone
And I have no place else left to go
So once again, Father, I'm praying for harbor
From this storm
Dark clouds from above have settled on the path I'm to trod
Still I will not doubt Thy love
Even now as I shudder, I hear Thy voice utter "Peace,
I walk with thee"

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Take my hand in Thine and show me the way
Savior, please stay
Come with me, Go with me
Walk with me

My body is failing me; I am barely breathing
But since Thou art with me Lord, I'll get home safely
I will be patient; I will be fervent
And follow where He leads
He who walks with me

T-Day

It's Thanksgiving guys! You know what that means: turkey, family, and stretched pants! Haha, I'm going to be cliche and tell you what I'm grateful for today, but I'm going to keep it to my top 10 things.

TOP 10 THINGS EJ's GRATEFUL TO HAVE

10. Motorized Vehicles - Man, the ability to go and see any part of the world within hours, or the opportunity to be at someone's side within minutes... what a blessing. Cars, airplanes, boats - if a place exists, we can typically get there without too much trouble.

9. Clothing - Getting dressed is so much fun! Mixing and matching colors, patterns, washes, styles, layers - I know, not always the most exciting thing, but it can be! Building up your own personal wardrobe can be such an adventure, and it's an opportunity to express yourself in a unique way, without wasting words.

8. Plumbing - For pretty obvious reasons, right? Getting those clothes you love laundered within an hour or so, taking a nice hot bath at the end of a stressful day, or quickly removing evidence of a visit to a man about a horse; I am grateful EVERY DAY that I live in this day and age where I'm not spending a lot of time boiling water, or digging holes.

7. Modern Day Technology - Some of my favorite pastimes include watching Heroes and Ugly Betty, playing video games, talking to loved ones on the phone, and blogging. Get it?

6. Food - When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm hungry, I eat. Don't ask where it goes, I just know I put it in my face.

5. Good Friends - Man was not meant to walk alone, right? Thank goodness, 'cause it'd make for a pretty boring life. I've had wonderful people leave special marks on my life over the course of my young lifetime so far, and I'm grateful for their love and support.

4. My Health - It's brought me so many blessings that I rarely think about. But man, it's so important to me. My job relies on it, my callings rely on it, I rely on it. I thank God that I have my health.

3. Music - My soul: music lives in me, and I breathe it in order to survive. It's what has helped me to sort through my emotions, understand others' perspectives on life, and gain testimony of things that God would have me know are true. It's the most personal thing I'm willing to openly share with people. I love music!

2. My Eternal Family - I have the most AWESOME family in the world! My parents are always there for me, and are quick to respond to my needs. My sisters are beautiful, and are my angels. My brother is my best friend, and is my right hand man. I am so grateful to have my family, and to be sealed to them forever.

1. A Loving Godhead - I could never express truly how grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father, who has done much for my preservation. He listens to my prayers, and answers, even when I forget to be grateful. He sent His son Jesus Christ, who bore all of my sins and afflictions. He is the truest friend. And there is no denying the influence of the Holy Ghost in my life. He has affirmed truth to me on so many occasions, and has brought my soul comfort in so many instances. I would not still be here if it weren't for these three loving companions.

So Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Eat, drink, and be merry, but not the way you're not supposed to.... right. I love you guys!