Especially For This Youth

Last Sunday, I was blessed with the opportunity to take part in a musical number for a friend's sacrament meeting in a neighboring stake. Two of my friends, my brother, and I performed "Prayer of the Children," and it went very well, especially considering we only practiced together 4 times. In our own stake, we were having Stake Conference, so I didn't feel too bad about skipping out on my weekly duties in my home ward.

Just after I finished dinner that evening, though, my bishop called to let me know he missed me at church today. He wondered why he didn't see me or my brother, and joked about us playing hookey. Then he asked me if I was planning on attending our ward's St. Patty's Party this weekend. "It's on Saturday evening, Brother Esera; I made sure they planned it that way just for you," he told me. We talked for a little while longer, I promised I'd be there, and then he spoke to my brother about the activity as well.

I know this may not sound like a big deal, but you have to know my bishop, and some background:

In my single's ward, we have had AMAZING bishoprics over the last 10 years. When I first came into contact with this ward almost 8 years ago, Bishop Wolvers served us. He is a brilliant man - affluent in music, great with people, and a life-long counselor to high school and college aged young adults. I joined the ward during my term of disfellowshipment because of the wonderful things I heard about him from 2 other mohos. I credit much of my spiritual growth to his patient ear, his honest tongue, his sturdy shoulders, and his loving heart. He was succeeded by Bishop Washer, a retired Naval officer with the most pleasant demeanor and genuine spirit. He is also a people-person, and a long time friend to my family.

When Bishop Anderson was called to our ward, I knew nothing about him - I'd never met him, and had heard about him. My early impressions of him were not the same as the past two bishops: Bishop Anderson is not quite as social as the men who preceeded him, and was not as easy-going. He came off as more conservative, more stiff, less understanding, and less approachable. I was unsure as to how comfortable I would feel coming to him with my personal issues, especially when it came to SSA. I was afraid he was just too different from the last two bishops.

The real trouble came when my friends and my brother started relaying the same concerns. "I know what you guys mean," I'd say, "but there has to be a reason why he was called to our ward at this time. He's going to learn to be better for us, and we're going to learn to love and appreciate him. Somehow, Bishop Anderson is going to be good for us." Inside, I told myself that I had to learn this for myself, and be sure if anyone was going to believe me.

I remember praying for help before the first time I went to see Bishop Anderson. I prayed that I would be open to accepting him as my bishop, and that we would both be guided by the Spirit during our meeting so it would be effective for us. I remember specifically asking the Lord to show me that the Bishop loved me so I could trust him and his divinely-inspired counsel.

Our interview went much better than expected! Though the Bishop was still a little stiff, he took my confession very well, and didn't freak out in the slightest when I described to him the issues I was having with SSA. He was very matter-of-factly, and I appreciated his honest and direct candor. I was set up to have an interview with the Stake President, and I prayed for a similar experience. That went well, too. I went back to my ward that Sunday, and felt great!

The undoubtable answer to my prayer came soon after. I remember Bishop Anderson randomly coming up to me one day, and wrapping his arm around my shoulder as he asked about how I was doing. Bishop Anderson is NOT a touchy-feely kind of guy! I knew nothing short of a miracle could get him to spontaneously and willingly do that, especially with me! I thanked God for showing me that my bishop loved and cared for me.

Since then, my bishop has shown me time and time again that he loves not only me, but my peers in the ward. He has lightened up SO MUCH, and has earned the respect and adoration of the ward in the same right that our previous bishops did. Even my best friend and my brother, who were very skeptical in the beginning, have grown to love him. I am so proud of my bishop! And I'm so glad that the Lord has blessed me with the fulfillment of my hope.

When Bishop Anderson told me he made sure that this weekend's activity took place on Saturday just for me, I was very touched. He knows that my work schedule prohibits me from being there on Friday evenings, and he knows how prone our activity's committee is to planning events on Fridays versus Saturday nights. It showed me that he really wanted me to be involved, and I felt special that he would take the time to do something like that just for me. If you're reading this, Bishop, thanks so much! And I love you too!!

All I Need

I'm far from perfect
And I know You know it
I've messed up so much
I can't count how many times I've blown it

I'm sorry, so sorry
For all the times that I've been weak
And I promise to
Turn over a new leaf

Life is so tough
When you try to live it all alone
I found out how much
I've needed help along this road

You told me to find You
If I needed anything, just ask
I've been everywhere,
And now Father here I am

Now I'm falling, I'm fading
I'm praying for someone who understands

I think You're all I need
To make things right
You're all I need
To save my life
That's why I'm on my knees
Praying
I would give everything
Just to have Thee
'Cause You're all I need

I'm tired, torn down
I've been shaken up
But I'm still here, waiting
For the good in me to waken up

I'm trying so hard
To play the hand that I was dealt
But I'm overworked, and overwhelmed
And I'm desperate for divine help

'Cause I'm falling, I'm fading
I'm reaching for Your ever outstretched hand

'Cause You're all I need
To make things right
You're all I need
To save my life
That's why I'm on my knees
Praying
I would give everything
Just to have Thee
'Cause You're all I need

Father I can't do this by myself
Life alone would be a living hell
I never want to be without You again
You're my saving grace, and my best friend

Oh please
Stay with me

You're all I need
To make things right
You're all I need
To save my life
I'm on my knees
Praying
I'd give up everything
Just to have Thee
'Cause You're all I need

Happiness is a Choice

I knew a kid who was called to serve a mission in a foreign land, and had to learn to speak the language. Prior to this appointment, he had minimal exposure to the culture or language of these people he had been called to serve. His patriarchal blessing, however, promised that he'd accomplish the feat of mastery over foreign languages through his faith and diligence.

After a few months out on his mission, however, his parents informed me that he was struggling terribly to learn the language, and communicate with the people he met. Growing up around traditions from another culture (Samoan), and being familiar with the culture and language he was new to, I understood the difficulties that this kid was facing. His parents and I and my best friend tossed around ideas on how we could help him out (my best friend is fluent in the aforementioned language and culture), and we finally decided that there was little we could do but pray on his behalf, for the mental and emotional strength he needed to overcome his struggles with the language barriers.

I committed to praying for him on several occasions over the next year. Whenever I spoke with this kid's parents, they would inform me of the progress he was making, and they looked more and more relieved and happy for the success their son was finding in this difficult trial.

After he returned, I spoke to him about his mission, about his experience with the people and the culture. He lightly spoke about it, and made no deal about his mission, either good or bad. Then, later, I heard him speak sarcastically about the language and returning to that place, and was really saddened by his candor. Didn't this guy realize that there were people out there that were praying for him while he was on his mission? That we asked Heavenly Father to help HIM specifically with his trial? That the very thing he was taking so lightly, others had taken seriously enough to pray to God about?

I continued in this vain for about a week until my mind was taken back to an experience I had years ago. I remember being 20 years old, and very unhappy with the way my life was going. I had envisioned my perfect life as a child: doing a semester of BYU after high school before leaving on a mission right at 19; coming home at 21; getting married by 22; finishing college at 24; being discovered by 25; selling a million records by 26; having 6 children (including a set of twins) by 30; and yada yada, right?! Instead, I was 20, with a year of BYU-I under my belt, no plans to return; no mission call; disfellowshipped from the church; and worst of all, the gradual realization that I was gay, and probably never going to marry or have children! I was very depressed.

During this time, I was visiting my then bishop every week. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. He didn't always tell me what I wanted to hear, but he always told me what I needed to hear, and didn't do it until after he listened to what I had to say. He gave me the most sound advice I'd ever received: "Happiness is a CHOICE." He taught me that happy people don't end up that way by accident. They make the conscious decision to be happy, and that I could be like that if I simply chose to be." I remember trying, a little in vain in the beginning. But one weekend, I did find a way to be happy, and I remember things going well for me. A good friend asked me specifically about that weekend later that month, after not seeing or visiting with me for quite a while. After I declared to him my positive experience, he gave me a big hug and said, "Good, because that's the day where I felt impressed to pray for you."

Years later, I'm reminded of the choice that I have: the choice to feel the way that I want to feel. No matter what is going on in my life, I can either moan and groan, and complain about my circumstances, or I can choose to bear my burden with hope and faith, with the surety that pain is temporary, and that I will make it through whatever is happening. I'm sure that when Christ suffered for me in the Garden, that he did not do it begrudgingly. He willingly atoned for my sins, out of love and out of faith in me. Jesus suffered so much more than I ever will have to, so that I don't have to. So why should I choose to? I am going to follow his example, and bear my burden with a positive spirit, with the reassurance that I have a Savior who knows exactly what I'm feeling, and knows how to succor me. Even if I must bear a difficult trial like SSA, or being single, for the rest of this short mortal life, I will die in the real hope that Heavenly Father has prepared a way for me to experience eternal and everlasting happiness with Him, which gift is more precious and priceless to me than any other temporary things this world has offered me for pleasure. I have made my decision, and I am happier now than I was when I was that confused 20 year old kid.

I am never going to complain about having SSA again, or any other seemingly impossible trial I will face. I will choose to be happy in the knowledge that God would never give me more than I can handle, especially with Him there with me. Besides, I never know who is praying for me!

Walk With Me

I am weak; I've been traveling all day on these feet
And I have no more strength left in me
So if Thou wilt pardon this heart that's been hardened
By these streets
I'm changing right now; Gotta be much more humble somehow
That's why my knees are now touching the ground
I'm praying for mercy from he who has heard me before
To Thee I implore

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Take my hand in Thine and show me the way
Savior, please stay
Come with me, Go with me
Walk with me

I have not the strength to run, I am hardly standing
But if Thou wilt walk with me I can do anything
I will be faithful; I will be humble
Whatever I may need
If Thou wilt walk with me

I am cold; I've been out here all night all alone
And I have no place else left to go
So once again, Father, I'm praying for harbor
From this storm
Dark clouds from above have settled on the path I'm to trod
Still I will not doubt Thy love
Even now as I shudder, I hear Thy voice utter "Peace,
I walk with thee"

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Take my hand in Thine and show me the way
Savior, please stay
Come with me, Go with me
Walk with me

My body is failing me; I am barely breathing
But since Thou art with me Lord, I'll get home safely
I will be patient; I will be fervent
And follow where He leads
He who walks with me

And I live to tell!

Today proved to be a very humbling one. I should have known things wouldn't turn out so well when I refuted the prompting to pray this morning. While driving to work, one of my tires started stripping away badly. The car shook violently, and I was able to pull off to the side safely, thanks to some divine help. I got out of the car to look at the damage, and this is what I saw... (Ugly, so bad)

I was so grateful that things weren't any worse. The Lord preserved me once again, despite my insolence. Man am I stupid sometimes, haha. My brother, whom I was speaking to on the phone at the time of the incident, notified his girlfriend and my parents, and rallied their aid immediately. Karen arrived at the scene not 5 minutes later, and my parents were only 3 minutes behind her. Karen dropped me off at work, while my parents went and purchased a new tire, and replaced my old one. They dropped my car off at my place of work way before my lunch time so I could use it, and even put some more gas in the tank. Vivic called again later to check on the progress of my car, and make sure I was okay.

I realized again today how truly blessed I am, and how mindful the Lord is of me. I felt terrible for choosing not to pray this morning, after receiving the small but distinct prompting to do it. I've repented since, and thanked the Lord for being with me today, and allowing me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, and to grow and mature spiritually. I am so grateful for my family, for the eternal bond we share, and how quick they are to respond to my needs. I love them so much, and thank the Lord that I am so blessed to have them in my life.