Before Jason passed away, I wrote a song for him. I never had the guts to sing it to him, or to anyone else but my brother and his girlfriend. However, the song has served as such a strength to me in helping me cope with his passing, and I'm beginning to wonder if it would do the same for anyone else who has mourned his passing, or the passing of another loved one recently.
So here are the lyrics. Soon, I'll post a video of me performing it...
Where You're Going
Where you're going is beautiful
And the gift of knowing helps keep me whole
'Cause I know that one day I want to be
Where you're going
So will you please save a plot for me
Next to your place, or across the street
'Cause I know that one day I want to be
Where you're going
Promise me you'll wait
To usher me through heaven's gate
I'll meet you there one sweet day
We'll be together again
But until then, I'll do all I can
To be a good friend; I'll try to be as good a man
As you are 'cause I want to be
Where you're going
Where you're going is a special place
There's no crying, there's no sickness, and there's no pain
Everybody's happy to be
Where you're going
So promise me you'll wait
To usher me through heaven's gate
I'll meet you there one, one sweet day
We'll be together again
But til that time comes, I'm gonna live each day
As if it was my last one, and I promise to keep the faith
And walk as you did, 'cause I want to live
In that special place where now you wait
I would give anything to be
Where you're going
Where you're going
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Especially For This Youth
Last Sunday, I was blessed with the opportunity to take part in a musical number for a friend's sacrament meeting in a neighboring stake. Two of my friends, my brother, and I performed "Prayer of the Children," and it went very well, especially considering we only practiced together 4 times. In our own stake, we were having Stake Conference, so I didn't feel too bad about skipping out on my weekly duties in my home ward.
Just after I finished dinner that evening, though, my bishop called to let me know he missed me at church today. He wondered why he didn't see me or my brother, and joked about us playing hookey. Then he asked me if I was planning on attending our ward's St. Patty's Party this weekend. "It's on Saturday evening, Brother Esera; I made sure they planned it that way just for you," he told me. We talked for a little while longer, I promised I'd be there, and then he spoke to my brother about the activity as well.
I know this may not sound like a big deal, but you have to know my bishop, and some background:
In my single's ward, we have had AMAZING bishoprics over the last 10 years. When I first came into contact with this ward almost 8 years ago, Bishop Wolvers served us. He is a brilliant man - affluent in music, great with people, and a life-long counselor to high school and college aged young adults. I joined the ward during my term of disfellowshipment because of the wonderful things I heard about him from 2 other mohos. I credit much of my spiritual growth to his patient ear, his honest tongue, his sturdy shoulders, and his loving heart. He was succeeded by Bishop Washer, a retired Naval officer with the most pleasant demeanor and genuine spirit. He is also a people-person, and a long time friend to my family.
When Bishop Anderson was called to our ward, I knew nothing about him - I'd never met him, and had heard about him. My early impressions of him were not the same as the past two bishops: Bishop Anderson is not quite as social as the men who preceeded him, and was not as easy-going. He came off as more conservative, more stiff, less understanding, and less approachable. I was unsure as to how comfortable I would feel coming to him with my personal issues, especially when it came to SSA. I was afraid he was just too different from the last two bishops.
The real trouble came when my friends and my brother started relaying the same concerns. "I know what you guys mean," I'd say, "but there has to be a reason why he was called to our ward at this time. He's going to learn to be better for us, and we're going to learn to love and appreciate him. Somehow, Bishop Anderson is going to be good for us." Inside, I told myself that I had to learn this for myself, and be sure if anyone was going to believe me.
I remember praying for help before the first time I went to see Bishop Anderson. I prayed that I would be open to accepting him as my bishop, and that we would both be guided by the Spirit during our meeting so it would be effective for us. I remember specifically asking the Lord to show me that the Bishop loved me so I could trust him and his divinely-inspired counsel.
Our interview went much better than expected! Though the Bishop was still a little stiff, he took my confession very well, and didn't freak out in the slightest when I described to him the issues I was having with SSA. He was very matter-of-factly, and I appreciated his honest and direct candor. I was set up to have an interview with the Stake President, and I prayed for a similar experience. That went well, too. I went back to my ward that Sunday, and felt great!
The undoubtable answer to my prayer came soon after. I remember Bishop Anderson randomly coming up to me one day, and wrapping his arm around my shoulder as he asked about how I was doing. Bishop Anderson is NOT a touchy-feely kind of guy! I knew nothing short of a miracle could get him to spontaneously and willingly do that, especially with me! I thanked God for showing me that my bishop loved and cared for me.
Since then, my bishop has shown me time and time again that he loves not only me, but my peers in the ward. He has lightened up SO MUCH, and has earned the respect and adoration of the ward in the same right that our previous bishops did. Even my best friend and my brother, who were very skeptical in the beginning, have grown to love him. I am so proud of my bishop! And I'm so glad that the Lord has blessed me with the fulfillment of my hope.
When Bishop Anderson told me he made sure that this weekend's activity took place on Saturday just for me, I was very touched. He knows that my work schedule prohibits me from being there on Friday evenings, and he knows how prone our activity's committee is to planning events on Fridays versus Saturday nights. It showed me that he really wanted me to be involved, and I felt special that he would take the time to do something like that just for me. If you're reading this, Bishop, thanks so much! And I love you too!!
Just after I finished dinner that evening, though, my bishop called to let me know he missed me at church today. He wondered why he didn't see me or my brother, and joked about us playing hookey. Then he asked me if I was planning on attending our ward's St. Patty's Party this weekend. "It's on Saturday evening, Brother Esera; I made sure they planned it that way just for you," he told me. We talked for a little while longer, I promised I'd be there, and then he spoke to my brother about the activity as well.
I know this may not sound like a big deal, but you have to know my bishop, and some background:
In my single's ward, we have had AMAZING bishoprics over the last 10 years. When I first came into contact with this ward almost 8 years ago, Bishop Wolvers served us. He is a brilliant man - affluent in music, great with people, and a life-long counselor to high school and college aged young adults. I joined the ward during my term of disfellowshipment because of the wonderful things I heard about him from 2 other mohos. I credit much of my spiritual growth to his patient ear, his honest tongue, his sturdy shoulders, and his loving heart. He was succeeded by Bishop Washer, a retired Naval officer with the most pleasant demeanor and genuine spirit. He is also a people-person, and a long time friend to my family.
When Bishop Anderson was called to our ward, I knew nothing about him - I'd never met him, and had heard about him. My early impressions of him were not the same as the past two bishops: Bishop Anderson is not quite as social as the men who preceeded him, and was not as easy-going. He came off as more conservative, more stiff, less understanding, and less approachable. I was unsure as to how comfortable I would feel coming to him with my personal issues, especially when it came to SSA. I was afraid he was just too different from the last two bishops.
The real trouble came when my friends and my brother started relaying the same concerns. "I know what you guys mean," I'd say, "but there has to be a reason why he was called to our ward at this time. He's going to learn to be better for us, and we're going to learn to love and appreciate him. Somehow, Bishop Anderson is going to be good for us." Inside, I told myself that I had to learn this for myself, and be sure if anyone was going to believe me.
I remember praying for help before the first time I went to see Bishop Anderson. I prayed that I would be open to accepting him as my bishop, and that we would both be guided by the Spirit during our meeting so it would be effective for us. I remember specifically asking the Lord to show me that the Bishop loved me so I could trust him and his divinely-inspired counsel.
Our interview went much better than expected! Though the Bishop was still a little stiff, he took my confession very well, and didn't freak out in the slightest when I described to him the issues I was having with SSA. He was very matter-of-factly, and I appreciated his honest and direct candor. I was set up to have an interview with the Stake President, and I prayed for a similar experience. That went well, too. I went back to my ward that Sunday, and felt great!
The undoubtable answer to my prayer came soon after. I remember Bishop Anderson randomly coming up to me one day, and wrapping his arm around my shoulder as he asked about how I was doing. Bishop Anderson is NOT a touchy-feely kind of guy! I knew nothing short of a miracle could get him to spontaneously and willingly do that, especially with me! I thanked God for showing me that my bishop loved and cared for me.
Since then, my bishop has shown me time and time again that he loves not only me, but my peers in the ward. He has lightened up SO MUCH, and has earned the respect and adoration of the ward in the same right that our previous bishops did. Even my best friend and my brother, who were very skeptical in the beginning, have grown to love him. I am so proud of my bishop! And I'm so glad that the Lord has blessed me with the fulfillment of my hope.
When Bishop Anderson told me he made sure that this weekend's activity took place on Saturday just for me, I was very touched. He knows that my work schedule prohibits me from being there on Friday evenings, and he knows how prone our activity's committee is to planning events on Fridays versus Saturday nights. It showed me that he really wanted me to be involved, and I felt special that he would take the time to do something like that just for me. If you're reading this, Bishop, thanks so much! And I love you too!!
Friday, February 27, 2009
What's At the End of the Rainbow
I'm a gay Mormon guy. One of many, actually. In fact, my bishop told me that in the greater Seattle area, we have over 600 LDS men and women that deal with same-sex attractions. That's more than any other area in the US besides perhaps the Salt Lake Valley. 600! So often, people like me feel like we have no one that can relate to us. If only we realized how non-unique our situation truly is!
Most people know someone who is both gay and Mormon, whether you're a member of the LDS faith or not. Of course, many people don't know they know a gay Mormon, but I'll venture to say everyone does. Many of my friends had other gay Mormon friends before they made my acquaintance. The thing that strikes me is the response I get from a lot of these friends. I get a lot of comments like, "You're not like so-and-so, and he's a gay Mormon," or "Wow, I thought that gay Mormons were more like blank, and you're not really like that," or "You're so different from my other Mormon friend, and he's gay, too." I used to be wary of that comment, but recently I've come to realize that I shouldn't be. Why not?
Well, I guess it's because of where I choose to put the emphasis on my opening statement: I am a gay Mormon guy. I've found that a lot of my friends who are in the same boat choose to put the emphasis on the first part: I am a gay Mormon guy. They talk about their gay life all the time, and place so much importance on that part of themselves. I guess I understand why: we go so long without addressing that portion of our beings, hiding it, even trying to destroy it for so many years. We fear rejection if we were ever to share that intimate part of ourselves with people. And when we finally are comfortable and capable of opening up and expressing that side of our soul, we find such liberation in the act that we allow ourselves to share it almost too generously with others. I remember this stage of my life; it was only just 5 years ago that I was like this.
But there came a point where I needed to figure out how the rest of that statement played in my life. I needed to know if the next part held any weight that I was willing to carry. For quite some time, I didn't know if I had room in my pack for "gay" and "Mormon;" I thought I'd have to leave one of the burdens behind. But as I studied the gospel, prayed to my Heavenly Father, and matured in spirit, I gained a testimony of things so strong and so undeniable, that the emphasis started shifting; my original statement turned into "I am a gay Mormon guy."
Reaching this point in my spiritual development mirrored coming out of the closet in so many interesting ways. I've had moments where telling people my religious affilitations shocked them more than coming out to them. A few people have asked if I was truly happy being a member of the church, and others have encouraged me to try other faiths. And some of those people didn't even know yet that I was gay! Then there are those who admire me for my convictions, and for being myself, and following my heart. They defend me when others are close-minded to my spiritual beliefs. It's been quite an interesting phenomenon to watch.
Nowadays, my statement looks more like this: "I am a gay Mormon guy." Although I know I am quite different from other people, I am just a guy, trying to get by in this world; doing his part to make a difference; doing his best to matter; trying hard to do all that he's set out to accomplish. I have made peace emotionally and spiritually with the decisions that have led me to accept the homosexual feelings I bear, and the testimony of God's church that I cannot forsake. Now, I'm just doing my best to live the way I know I should, not because someone else says so, but because it's truly what I want. Being gay is a part of who I am, but it's not the biggest slice of this pie. My relationship with God is more important. I want to live with Him again; I know it may be a tough road to tread, but I'm willing to go for a hike if it means there's a "happily ever after" to look forward to.
This is going to sound totally gay, but it came to me while I pondered the upcoming celebration of St. Patrick's Da
y:
Life is like a rainbow. It is made up of many different colors, some that you may love, and others you won't care for. The rainbow seems to extend forever, and you can't see where it ends, and you don't know where it originated. At the end, a little man has a pot of gold, and he'll share it with us if we find them. This is life. There are parts we love, and parts we don't love. We don't know how long this life will last, but we know it has an end. At the end, there is a man there. From where we stand, he looks small because he seems so far away. In actuality, he's not a leprachaun at all - he's a great divine being. Luckily for us, he's our Father. And He has a treasure worth more than anything on this Earth. Many may not believe in this man, or the pot of gold, but I know they're there, because I've asked, and even from way far away, He's let me know that they both exist. I am willing to wait til I get to the end of the rainbow to meet Him, and share in the treasure He has to offer.
Most people know someone who is both gay and Mormon, whether you're a member of the LDS faith or not. Of course, many people don't know they know a gay Mormon, but I'll venture to say everyone does. Many of my friends had other gay Mormon friends before they made my acquaintance. The thing that strikes me is the response I get from a lot of these friends. I get a lot of comments like, "You're not like so-and-so, and he's a gay Mormon," or "Wow, I thought that gay Mormons were more like blank, and you're not really like that," or "You're so different from my other Mormon friend, and he's gay, too." I used to be wary of that comment, but recently I've come to realize that I shouldn't be. Why not?
Well, I guess it's because of where I choose to put the emphasis on my opening statement: I am a gay Mormon guy. I've found that a lot of my friends who are in the same boat choose to put the emphasis on the first part: I am a gay Mormon guy. They talk about their gay life all the time, and place so much importance on that part of themselves. I guess I understand why: we go so long without addressing that portion of our beings, hiding it, even trying to destroy it for so many years. We fear rejection if we were ever to share that intimate part of ourselves with people. And when we finally are comfortable and capable of opening up and expressing that side of our soul, we find such liberation in the act that we allow ourselves to share it almost too generously with others. I remember this stage of my life; it was only just 5 years ago that I was like this.
But there came a point where I needed to figure out how the rest of that statement played in my life. I needed to know if the next part held any weight that I was willing to carry. For quite some time, I didn't know if I had room in my pack for "gay" and "Mormon;" I thought I'd have to leave one of the burdens behind. But as I studied the gospel, prayed to my Heavenly Father, and matured in spirit, I gained a testimony of things so strong and so undeniable, that the emphasis started shifting; my original statement turned into "I am a gay Mormon guy."
Reaching this point in my spiritual development mirrored coming out of the closet in so many interesting ways. I've had moments where telling people my religious affilitations shocked them more than coming out to them. A few people have asked if I was truly happy being a member of the church, and others have encouraged me to try other faiths. And some of those people didn't even know yet that I was gay! Then there are those who admire me for my convictions, and for being myself, and following my heart. They defend me when others are close-minded to my spiritual beliefs. It's been quite an interesting phenomenon to watch.
Nowadays, my statement looks more like this: "I am a gay Mormon guy." Although I know I am quite different from other people, I am just a guy, trying to get by in this world; doing his part to make a difference; doing his best to matter; trying hard to do all that he's set out to accomplish. I have made peace emotionally and spiritually with the decisions that have led me to accept the homosexual feelings I bear, and the testimony of God's church that I cannot forsake. Now, I'm just doing my best to live the way I know I should, not because someone else says so, but because it's truly what I want. Being gay is a part of who I am, but it's not the biggest slice of this pie. My relationship with God is more important. I want to live with Him again; I know it may be a tough road to tread, but I'm willing to go for a hike if it means there's a "happily ever after" to look forward to.
This is going to sound totally gay, but it came to me while I pondered the upcoming celebration of St. Patrick's Da
y:Life is like a rainbow. It is made up of many different colors, some that you may love, and others you won't care for. The rainbow seems to extend forever, and you can't see where it ends, and you don't know where it originated. At the end, a little man has a pot of gold, and he'll share it with us if we find them. This is life. There are parts we love, and parts we don't love. We don't know how long this life will last, but we know it has an end. At the end, there is a man there. From where we stand, he looks small because he seems so far away. In actuality, he's not a leprachaun at all - he's a great divine being. Luckily for us, he's our Father. And He has a treasure worth more than anything on this Earth. Many may not believe in this man, or the pot of gold, but I know they're there, because I've asked, and even from way far away, He's let me know that they both exist. I am willing to wait til I get to the end of the rainbow to meet Him, and share in the treasure He has to offer.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
All I Need
I'm far from perfect
And I know You know it
I've messed up so much
I can't count how many times I've blown it
I'm sorry, so sorry
For all the times that I've been weak
And I promise to
Turn over a new leaf
Life is so tough
When you try to live it all alone
I found out how much
I've needed help along this road
You told me to find You
If I needed anything, just ask
I've been everywhere,
And now Father here I am
Now I'm falling, I'm fading
I'm praying for someone who understands
I think You're all I need
To make things right
You're all I need
To save my life
That's why I'm on my knees
Praying
I would give everything
Just to have Thee
'Cause You're all I need
I'm tired, torn down
I've been shaken up
But I'm still here, waiting
For the good in me to waken up
I'm trying so hard
To play the hand that I was dealt
But I'm overworked, and overwhelmed
And I'm desperate for divine help
'Cause I'm falling, I'm fading
I'm reaching for Your ever outstretched hand
'Cause You're all I need
To make things right
You're all I need
To save my life
That's why I'm on my knees
Praying
I would give everything
Just to have Thee
'Cause You're all I need
Father I can't do this by myself
Life alone would be a living hell
I never want to be without You again
You're my saving grace, and my best friend
Oh please
Stay with me
You're all I need
To make things right
You're all I need
To save my life
I'm on my knees
Praying
I'd give up everything
Just to have Thee
'Cause You're all I need
And I know You know it
I've messed up so much
I can't count how many times I've blown it
I'm sorry, so sorry
For all the times that I've been weak
And I promise to
Turn over a new leaf
Life is so tough
When you try to live it all alone
I found out how much
I've needed help along this road
You told me to find You
If I needed anything, just ask
I've been everywhere,
And now Father here I am
Now I'm falling, I'm fading
I'm praying for someone who understands
I think You're all I need
To make things right
You're all I need
To save my life
That's why I'm on my knees
Praying
I would give everything
Just to have Thee
'Cause You're all I need
I'm tired, torn down
I've been shaken up
But I'm still here, waiting
For the good in me to waken up
I'm trying so hard
To play the hand that I was dealt
But I'm overworked, and overwhelmed
And I'm desperate for divine help
'Cause I'm falling, I'm fading
I'm reaching for Your ever outstretched hand
'Cause You're all I need
To make things right
You're all I need
To save my life
That's why I'm on my knees
Praying
I would give everything
Just to have Thee
'Cause You're all I need
Father I can't do this by myself
Life alone would be a living hell
I never want to be without You again
You're my saving grace, and my best friend
Oh please
Stay with me
You're all I need
To make things right
You're all I need
To save my life
I'm on my knees
Praying
I'd give up everything
Just to have Thee
'Cause You're all I need
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Happiness is a Choice
I knew a kid who was called to serve a mission in a foreign land, and had to learn to speak the language. Prior to this appointment, he had minimal exposure to the culture or language of these people he had been called to serve. His patriarchal blessing, however, promised that he'd accomplish the feat of mastery over foreign languages through his faith and diligence.
After a few months out on his mission, however, his parents informed me that he was struggling terribly to learn the language, and communicate with the people he met. Growing up around traditions from another culture (Samoan), and being familiar with the culture and language he was new to, I understood the difficulties that this kid was facing. His parents and I and my best friend tossed around ideas on how we could help him out (my best friend is fluent in the aforementioned language and culture), and we finally decided that there was little we could do but pray on his behalf, for the mental and emotional strength he needed to overcome his struggles with the language barriers.
I committed to praying for him on several occasions over the next year. Whenever I spoke with this kid's parents, they would inform me of the progress he was making, and they looked more and more relieved and happy for the success their son was finding in this difficult trial.
After he returned, I spoke to him about his mission, about his experience with the people and the culture. He lightly spoke about it, and made no deal about his mission, either good or bad. Then, later, I heard him speak sarcastically about the language and returning to that place, and was really saddened by his candor. Didn't this guy realize that there were people out there that were praying for him while he was on his mission? That we asked Heavenly Father to help HIM specifically with his trial? That the very thing he was taking so lightly, others had taken seriously enough to pray to God about?
I continued in this vain for about a week until my mind was taken back to an experience I had years ago. I remember being 20 years old, and very unhappy with the way my life was going. I had envisioned my perfect life as a child: doing a semester of BYU after high school before leaving on a mission right at 19; coming home at 21; getting married by 22; finishing college at 24; being discovered by 25; selling a million records by 26; having 6 children (including a set of twins) by 30; and yada yada, right?! Instead, I was 20, with a year of BYU-I under my belt, no plans to return; no mission call; disfellowshipped from the church; and worst of all, the gradual realization that I was gay, and probably never going to marry or have children! I was very depressed.
During this time, I was visiting my then bishop every week. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. He didn't always tell me what I wanted to hear, but he always told me what I needed to hear, and didn't do it until after he listened to what I had to say. He gave me the most sound advice I'd ever received: "Happiness is a CHOICE." He taught me that happy people don't end up that way by accident. They make the conscious decision to be happy, and that I could be like that if I simply chose to be." I remember trying, a little in vain in the beginning. But one weekend, I did find a way to be happy, and I remember things going well for me. A good friend asked me specifically about that weekend later that month, after not seeing or visiting with me for quite a while. After I declared to him my positive experience, he gave me a big hug and said, "Good, because that's the day where I felt impressed to pray for you."
Years later, I'm reminded of the choice that I have: the choice to feel the way that I want to feel. No matter what is going on in my life, I can either moan and groan, and complain about my circumstances, or I can choose to bear my burden with hope and faith, with the surety that pain is temporary, and that I will make it through whatever is happening. I'm sure that when Christ suffered for me in the G
arden, that he did not do it begrudgingly. He willingly atoned for my sins, out of love and out of faith in me. Jesus suffered so much more than I ever will have to, so that I don't have to. So why should I choose to? I am going to follow his example, and bear my burden with a positive spirit, with the reassurance that I have a Savior who knows exactly what I'm feeling, and knows how to succor me. Even if I must bear a difficult trial like SSA, or being single, for the rest of this short mortal life, I will die in the real hope that Heavenly Father has prepared a way for me to experience eternal and everlasting happiness with Him, which gift is more precious and priceless to me than any other temporary things this world has offered me for pleasure. I have made my decision, and I am happier now than I was when I was that confused 20 year old kid.I am never going to complain about having SSA again, or any other seemingly impossible trial I will face. I will choose to be happy in the knowledge that God would never give me more than I can handle, especially with Him there with me. Besides, I never know who is praying for me!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
About the Song...
"Walk With Me" is a song I wrote a couple summers ago. I had this beautiful melody that kept running through my head, and the concept of God walking with me was always associated with it. I believe it may have been sparked by the inspirational story "Footprints in the Sand" where the author looks back on his life and sees 2 sets of prints sometimes, and one set of prints other times. After realizing that the single sets of footprints were there during the toughest times of his life, the author asked God where He was during those trying times. God loving replied, "I did not leave you alone. I carried you. Those prints are mine."
I have always loved that story, as cheezy as it may be. It truly tells of my own life experiences: I have witnessed the love of a Heavenly Father who lifts and carries me when my legs lose strength, and I feel too weak to move on. This song is special to me, because it is a reminder to me of what amazing changes have occurred in my life when I've allowed God to hold my hand and walk with me through everything.
As we look forward to the New Year, I find it quite befitting to share this song with everyone. I have big ambitions this year, and some high hopes for the improvement of my own self, and I know that with the Lord walking next to me, I can accomplish anything!
Happy New Year to you all! Stay safe, see you next year!
-EJ
I have always loved that story, as cheezy as it may be. It truly tells of my own life experiences: I have witnessed the love of a Heavenly Father who lifts and carries me when my legs lose strength, and I feel too weak to move on. This song is special to me, because it is a reminder to me of what amazing changes have occurred in my life when I've allowed God to hold my hand and walk with me through everything.
As we look forward to the New Year, I find it quite befitting to share this song with everyone. I have big ambitions this year, and some high hopes for the improvement of my own self, and I know that with the Lord walking next to me, I can accomplish anything!
Happy New Year to you all! Stay safe, see you next year!
-EJ
Walk With Me
I am weak; I've been traveling all day on these feet
And I have no more strength left in me
So if Thou wilt pardon this heart that's been hardened
By these streets
I'm changing right now; Gotta be much more humble somehow
That's why my knees are now touching the ground
I'm praying for mercy from he who has heard me before
To Thee I implore
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Take my hand in Thine and show me the way
Savior, please stay
Come with me, Go with me
Walk with me
I have not the strength to run, I am hardly standing
But if Thou wilt walk with me I can do anything
I will be faithful; I will be humble
Whatever I may need
If Thou wilt walk with me
I am cold; I've been out here all night all alone
And I have no place else left to go
So once again, Father, I'm praying for harbor
From this storm
Dark clouds from above have settled on the path I'm to trod
Still I will not doubt Thy love
Even now as I shudder, I hear Thy voice utter "Peace,
I walk with thee"
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Take my hand in Thine and show me the way
Savior, please stay
Come with me, Go with me
Walk with me
My body is failing me; I am barely breathing
But since Thou art with me Lord, I'll get home safely
I will be patient; I will be fervent
And follow where He leads
He who walks with me
And I have no more strength left in me
So if Thou wilt pardon this heart that's been hardened
By these streets
I'm changing right now; Gotta be much more humble somehow
That's why my knees are now touching the ground
I'm praying for mercy from he who has heard me before
To Thee I implore
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Take my hand in Thine and show me the way
Savior, please stay
Come with me, Go with me
Walk with me
I have not the strength to run, I am hardly standing
But if Thou wilt walk with me I can do anything
I will be faithful; I will be humble
Whatever I may need
If Thou wilt walk with me
I am cold; I've been out here all night all alone
And I have no place else left to go
So once again, Father, I'm praying for harbor
From this storm
Dark clouds from above have settled on the path I'm to trod
Still I will not doubt Thy love
Even now as I shudder, I hear Thy voice utter "Peace,
I walk with thee"
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Take my hand in Thine and show me the way
Savior, please stay
Come with me, Go with me
Walk with me
My body is failing me; I am barely breathing
But since Thou art with me Lord, I'll get home safely
I will be patient; I will be fervent
And follow where He leads
He who walks with me
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Anniversary
November is a very emotionally intense month for me, every year. I don't know if the weather affects me a strange way this time of year or not, or if it's because the holidays are here, or because I'm always single in November. Maybe none of those things affect me, or maybe they all do. I think the biggest factor, though, is the fact that November marks my anniversary of the split from my college sweetheart back in '01.
It's kinda pathetic, seeing as it happened 7 years ago now. It's significant, though, because it catapulted a great series of events that brought me to where I am today. I don't know exactly why, but I feel impressed to share this experience for the first time in writing:
I called him Ty Ty. I met him through his best friend and roommate, J., whom I thought was beautiful and super nice. One night, J. invited me to hang out with him and his rommies. I accepted, only to find out that it was a group date - haha. I was the 7th wheel that night! Still, I knew the 3rd roommie who was in the group, and all the girls were super nice. I remember stuffing myself on the floor in front of the passenger seat of Ty Ty's truck, while the others squashed onto seats. Ty made sure I was comfortable as possible as he drove us out to the dunes for a movie night. After that night, I became an unofficial roommate to their household. Ty, J., and I became the best of friends, practically inseparable.
A month after we met, Ty Ty and I decided to go back to the dunes alone. We ended up coming out to each other, had a romantical evening, and came back home in the morning in time to watch General Conference. We kept things pretty innocent for 3 weeks. We shared every dirty secret we'd never spoken before, and grew to love each other more than I thought was ever possible. One night, we slipped up, and went way farther than we ever meant to. We felt terrible at first, but we didn't slow down. We kept things up for another month, before Ty Ty felt so guilty that he put our romantic relationship to an end. I was so numb by now, that I didn't feel the same way Ty did. I was so used to living the double life that I didn't try to fix it. But Ty was trying to be good, and get right; I respected that, and I tried to move on. Just after Thanksgiving, at the end of November, I found myself losing grip on the one person I could share EVERYTHING with.
Throughout the remainder of the school year, I became more and more distanced from J. and Ty Ty, and I built relationships with other guys whom I could potentially share everything with. But no one was Ty Ty. Deep down inside, I was still so in love with him that I couldn't share certain intimate things with the other friends I made. I left all of that behind in November.
In April, Ty and I hung out again. We were in a very nostalgic mood, and we had one more intimate moment that did not go as far as we did in November. We went our separate ways after that, me still totally numb, and Ty suffering so much that he decided to try and take care of it.
In June, I got called into my bishop's office. I thought we were going to work on my mission papers. My parents thought I was going in to interview for the Melchizedek Priesthood. We were all wrong. The bishop received a call from Ty Ty's bishop, revealing my deepest, darkest secret to someone I never was going to tell. I was caught off guard, and as I listened to the bishop speak to me, I knew it was over. Today was the day that I would have to choose which way to go. He asked me why I hadn't told him anything til now; I told him the truth: I was scared, and I didn't want to hurt my family.
I remember the drive home from the office with my mother. She knew something was wrong. I ended up spilling this terrible part of me with her for 3 hours. She listened supportively, not totally understanding me, but she let me know she still loved me, and gave me wonderful motherly advice. She told me not to tell my father, that she'd worry about it. She told him herself, and he avoided me for 3 days as he cried. They both blamed themselves, and I reassured them that it was NOT their fault. They continued to support me, and encouraged me to participate in the local single's ward.
That's where I met my best friend Tommy. He took me out to a late dinner one night after FHE, and asked if I dealt with feelings for the same sex. I opened up to him, and we conversated the entire rest of the evening about things we had in common. It was so nice to finally have someone else around that understood me. I told him how I got disfellowshipped, and shared my experience with the bishop. He was surprised that I got outted to the bishop without an opportunity to come forth of my own accord and confess my sins. He asked how I felt about it. I realized that I wasn't angry at all. I thought about Ty in Idaho, and how hard it must have been for him to talk to his bishop. I thought about how tough it must have been for him to tell his bishop about me, and to know that his bishop would contact mine. I knew how much he suffered before, and how numb I was. I knew that if it weren't for Ty, I would still be stuck in the corner of my own closet, and I would never have talked to my bishop, my parents, and maybe not even Tommy. I decided I was grateful that Ty told his bishop.
In September, Tommy and my other besty Jerr Berr took me to my first EG Conference in SLC. It was a great experience for me, meeting other guys in the church who dealt with the same struggles I deal with. The big bonus for me? After 5 long months, Ty and I got to see each other and talk. He felt terrible for what happened to me, and spent the entire summer worried about it. I told him how I felt, and we enjoyed a pleasant night - as friends.
Something wonderful and terrible happened: I was brought closer to God, and had my life changed immensely for the good thanks to what Ty did for me. What happened to Ty Ty? He lacked the support system I had, and he gave way to the world. The boy who once suffered because of all the guilt he felt decided to stop feeling it by giving in to things that numbed him the way they numbed me. I felt terrible! Why couldn't I have been a positive force for Ty when he needed one? Instead, I was a bad influence. How ironic: the one that should have been saved because of his decisions ended up saving the lost boy that wasn't even trying to be saved.
When November came back around, I was a totally different boy from the one that existed the previous November. I was on the path to getting my life back in order, a path that was totally different from the one I was on just a year prior.
Every November, I am reminded of the tender mercies of the Lord, and for the wonderful people He's placed into my life. I would not be where I am today without them. I am also reminded, though, of the beautiful one who was lost. To this day, I still blame myself for what's happened to Ty, and will forever regret the fact that I was much too weak and selfish to help someone who positively changed my life forever.
It's kinda pathetic, seeing as it happened 7 years ago now. It's significant, though, because it catapulted a great series of events that brought me to where I am today. I don't know exactly why, but I feel impressed to share this experience for the first time in writing:
I called him Ty Ty. I met him through his best friend and roommate, J., whom I thought was beautiful and super nice. One night, J. invited me to hang out with him and his rommies. I accepted, only to find out that it was a group date - haha. I was the 7th wheel that night! Still, I knew the 3rd roommie who was in the group, and all the girls were super nice. I remember stuffing myself on the floor in front of the passenger seat of Ty Ty's truck, while the others squashed onto seats. Ty made sure I was comfortable as possible as he drove us out to the dunes for a movie night. After that night, I became an unofficial roommate to their household. Ty, J., and I became the best of friends, practically inseparable.
A month after we met, Ty Ty and I decided to go back to the dunes alone. We ended up coming out to each other, had a romantical evening, and came back home in the morning in time to watch General Conference. We kept things pretty innocent for 3 weeks. We shared every dirty secret we'd never spoken before, and grew to love each other more than I thought was ever possible. One night, we slipped up, and went way farther than we ever meant to. We felt terrible at first, but we didn't slow down. We kept things up for another month, before Ty Ty felt so guilty that he put our romantic relationship to an end. I was so numb by now, that I didn't feel the same way Ty did. I was so used to living the double life that I didn't try to fix it. But Ty was trying to be good, and get right; I respected that, and I tried to move on. Just after Thanksgiving, at the end of November, I found myself losing grip on the one person I could share EVERYTHING with.
Throughout the remainder of the school year, I became more and more distanced from J. and Ty Ty, and I built relationships with other guys whom I could potentially share everything with. But no one was Ty Ty. Deep down inside, I was still so in love with him that I couldn't share certain intimate things with the other friends I made. I left all of that behind in November.
In April, Ty and I hung out again. We were in a very nostalgic mood, and we had one more intimate moment that did not go as far as we did in November. We went our separate ways after that, me still totally numb, and Ty suffering so much that he decided to try and take care of it.
In June, I got called into my bishop's office. I thought we were going to work on my mission papers. My parents thought I was going in to interview for the Melchizedek Priesthood. We were all wrong. The bishop received a call from Ty Ty's bishop, revealing my deepest, darkest secret to someone I never was going to tell. I was caught off guard, and as I listened to the bishop speak to me, I knew it was over. Today was the day that I would have to choose which way to go. He asked me why I hadn't told him anything til now; I told him the truth: I was scared, and I didn't want to hurt my family.
I remember the drive home from the office with my mother. She knew something was wrong. I ended up spilling this terrible part of me with her for 3 hours. She listened supportively, not totally understanding me, but she let me know she still loved me, and gave me wonderful motherly advice. She told me not to tell my father, that she'd worry about it. She told him herself, and he avoided me for 3 days as he cried. They both blamed themselves, and I reassured them that it was NOT their fault. They continued to support me, and encouraged me to participate in the local single's ward.
That's where I met my best friend Tommy. He took me out to a late dinner one night after FHE, and asked if I dealt with feelings for the same sex. I opened up to him, and we conversated the entire rest of the evening about things we had in common. It was so nice to finally have someone else around that understood me. I told him how I got disfellowshipped, and shared my experience with the bishop. He was surprised that I got outted to the bishop without an opportunity to come forth of my own accord and confess my sins. He asked how I felt about it. I realized that I wasn't angry at all. I thought about Ty in Idaho, and how hard it must have been for him to talk to his bishop. I thought about how tough it must have been for him to tell his bishop about me, and to know that his bishop would contact mine. I knew how much he suffered before, and how numb I was. I knew that if it weren't for Ty, I would still be stuck in the corner of my own closet, and I would never have talked to my bishop, my parents, and maybe not even Tommy. I decided I was grateful that Ty told his bishop.
In September, Tommy and my other besty Jerr Berr took me to my first EG Conference in SLC. It was a great experience for me, meeting other guys in the church who dealt with the same struggles I deal with. The big bonus for me? After 5 long months, Ty and I got to see each other and talk. He felt terrible for what happened to me, and spent the entire summer worried about it. I told him how I felt, and we enjoyed a pleasant night - as friends.
Something wonderful and terrible happened: I was brought closer to God, and had my life changed immensely for the good thanks to what Ty did for me. What happened to Ty Ty? He lacked the support system I had, and he gave way to the world. The boy who once suffered because of all the guilt he felt decided to stop feeling it by giving in to things that numbed him the way they numbed me. I felt terrible! Why couldn't I have been a positive force for Ty when he needed one? Instead, I was a bad influence. How ironic: the one that should have been saved because of his decisions ended up saving the lost boy that wasn't even trying to be saved.
When November came back around, I was a totally different boy from the one that existed the previous November. I was on the path to getting my life back in order, a path that was totally different from the one I was on just a year prior.
Every November, I am reminded of the tender mercies of the Lord, and for the wonderful people He's placed into my life. I would not be where I am today without them. I am also reminded, though, of the beautiful one who was lost. To this day, I still blame myself for what's happened to Ty, and will forever regret the fact that I was much too weak and selfish to help someone who positively changed my life forever.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
T-Day
It's Thanksgiving guys! You know what that means: turkey, family, and stretched pants! Haha, I'm going to be cliche and tell you what I'm grateful for today, but I'm going to keep it to my top 10 things.
TOP 10 THINGS EJ's GRATEFUL TO HAVE
10. Motorized Vehicles - Man, the ability to go and see any part of the world within hours, or the opportunity to be at someone's side within minutes... what a blessing. Cars, airplanes, boats - if a place exists, we can typically get there without too much trouble.
9. Clothing - Getting dressed is so much fun! Mixing and matching colors, patterns, washes, styles, layers - I know, not always the most exciting thing, but it can be! Building up your own personal wardrobe can be such an adventure, and it's an opportunity to express yourself in a unique way, without wasting words.
8. Plumbing - For pretty obvious reasons, right? Getting those clothes you love laundered within an hour or so, taking a nice hot bath at the end of a stressful day, or quickly removing evidence of a visit to a man about a horse; I am grateful EVERY DAY that I live in this day and age where I'm not spending a lot of time boiling water, or digging holes.
7. Modern Day Technology - Some of my favorite pastimes include watching Heroes and Ugly Betty, playing video games, talking to loved ones on the phone, and blogging. Get it?
6. Food - When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm hungry, I eat. Don't ask where it goes, I just know I put it in my face.
5. Good Friends - Man was not meant to walk alone, right? Thank goodness, 'cause it'd make for a pretty boring life. I've had wonderful people leave special marks on my life over the course of my young lifetime so far, and I'm grateful for their love and support.
4. My Health - It's brought me so many blessings that I rarely think about. But man, it's so important to me. My job relies on it, my callings rely on it, I rely on it. I thank God that I have my health.
3. Music - My soul: music lives in me, and I breathe it in order to survive. It's what has helped me to sort through my emotions, understand others' perspectives on life, and gain testimony of things that God would have me know are true. It's the most personal thing I'm willing to openly share with people. I love music!
2. My Eternal Family - I have the most AWESOME family in the world! My parents are always there for me, and are quick to respond to my needs. My sisters are beautiful, and are my angels. My brother is my best friend, and is my right hand man. I am so grateful to have my family, and to be sealed to them forever.
1. A Loving Godhead - I could never express truly how grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father, who has done much for my preservation. He listens to my prayers, and answers, even when I forget to be grateful. He sent His son Jesus Christ, who bore all of my sins and afflictions. He is the truest friend. And there is no denying the influence of the Holy Ghost in my life. He has affirmed truth to me on so many occasions, and has brought my soul comfort in so many instances. I would not still be here if it weren't for these three loving companions.
So Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Eat, drink, and be merry, but not the way you're not supposed to.... right. I love you guys!
TOP 10 THINGS EJ's GRATEFUL TO HAVE
10. Motorized Vehicles - Man, the ability to go and see any part of the world within hours, or the opportunity to be at someone's side within minutes... what a blessing. Cars, airplanes, boats - if a place exists, we can typically get there without too much trouble.
9. Clothing - Getting dressed is so much fun! Mixing and matching colors, patterns, washes, styles, layers - I know, not always the most exciting thing, but it can be! Building up your own personal wardrobe can be such an adventure, and it's an opportunity to express yourself in a unique way, without wasting words.
8. Plumbing - For pretty obvious reasons, right? Getting those clothes you love laundered within an hour or so, taking a nice hot bath at the end of a stressful day, or quickly removing evidence of a visit to a man about a horse; I am grateful EVERY DAY that I live in this day and age where I'm not spending a lot of time boiling water, or digging holes.
7. Modern Day Technology - Some of my favorite pastimes include watching Heroes and Ugly Betty, playing video games, talking to loved ones on the phone, and blogging. Get it?
6. Food - When I'm stressed, I eat. When I'm happy, I eat. When I'm bored, I eat. When I'm hungry, I eat. Don't ask where it goes, I just know I put it in my face.
5. Good Friends - Man was not meant to walk alone, right? Thank goodness, 'cause it'd make for a pretty boring life. I've had wonderful people leave special marks on my life over the course of my young lifetime so far, and I'm grateful for their love and support.
4. My Health - It's brought me so many blessings that I rarely think about. But man, it's so important to me. My job relies on it, my callings rely on it, I rely on it. I thank God that I have my health.
3. Music - My soul: music lives in me, and I breathe it in order to survive. It's what has helped me to sort through my emotions, understand others' perspectives on life, and gain testimony of things that God would have me know are true. It's the most personal thing I'm willing to openly share with people. I love music!
2. My Eternal Family - I have the most AWESOME family in the world! My parents are always there for me, and are quick to respond to my needs. My sisters are beautiful, and are my angels. My brother is my best friend, and is my right hand man. I am so grateful to have my family, and to be sealed to them forever.
1. A Loving Godhead - I could never express truly how grateful I am for a loving Heavenly Father, who has done much for my preservation. He listens to my prayers, and answers, even when I forget to be grateful. He sent His son Jesus Christ, who bore all of my sins and afflictions. He is the truest friend. And there is no denying the influence of the Holy Ghost in my life. He has affirmed truth to me on so many occasions, and has brought my soul comfort in so many instances. I would not still be here if it weren't for these three loving companions.
So Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Eat, drink, and be merry, but not the way you're not supposed to.... right. I love you guys!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Criminal
So you'll never believe what happened to me:
I'm going to make a long story short(er)~
I was speeding down a long strip on the way home last night, and I got caught. Not a big deal, right? I'm calm, very in-control of the matter... until the officer comes back to my car and informs me that I'm driving with a suspended licence! He asks me to step out of my vehicle, face the car, and place my hands behind my back. He places me under arrest, and escorts me to the back of his vehicle!
Normally, one would be freaking out, right? Especially someone like me, who totally DISLIKES cops. I know a couple in my own life that are the exception, but generally speaking, I think they suck. However, this officer was so nice, and so caring. When he placed me under arrest, he did so almost apologetically. He gingerly put the cuffs around my wrists in a manner that allowed for the most comfort while still serving their purpose. He read me my rights and asked me the questions he needed to, without prying into my personal life, or lecturing me. He was kind, quick, and helpful. He made sure that I got into and out of his patrol vehicle without hitting my head. He told me everything he was going to do before he did it, and respected me as a human being; he didn't treat me like a criminal at all!
When he was through issuing me my ticket, and explaining to me what I needed to do to take care of this matter, he offered to give me a ride home if I was unable to get someone to come get me. I let him drive me home, and ,again, he did so without lecturing me. He made it a point to gather my things for me before he or I forgot them in the car, and he asked me to relax, and made sure I felt okay. When I thanked him for making it such a painless experience, he told me: "Well, it's my job to do that. I'm not here to harass ya. I'm here to help you." Then he apologized that I had to go through that, and after I told him not to worry about it, because it was my own fault, he said, "Well it's not very often that people take responsiblity for their actions. Thank you, and you try to enjoy the rest of your night." Then he left.
I looked at the ticket he issued, to find his name. Would you know that he had the same initial as me, and the same last name?!
I thank God that I was pulled over by this officer, and not another who would have treated me poorly. Having already had one bad experience with a state patrol, I was very grateful to have that experience with a law-enforcement officer who epitomized the position and authority he held. And I'm grateful that I was able to get home, get my car back not 30 minutes later, and have things with my car taken care of so easily. I felt so blessed when I came home, and realized how much simpler a trial that was for me than it should have been, or might have been. I was arrested, you know?!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Beautiful Day
I started out the day today listening to that song I keep talking about: Beyonce's "Halo." I can't help it; it's so beautiful. It's a poignant tune that she sings to someone who has gotten her to fall in love again because of his goodness, even though she had built walls to keep love out. He broke through them with his halo, haha. I know, sounds dumb, but I love it!
I walked into work, and the very first thing that happened was my co-worker Prema handed me a gift-wrapped box. It contained candy canes, a hot-cocoa packet, and an invitation to a white elephant party. It was adorable, with rhymes and everything! At lunch time, I spoke with my sister Audrey on the phone for about 10 minutes, just to catch up. I bumped into an old friend, Wasami, from high school, and her beautiful little boy. And on my way back to work, I got to help push the vehicle of a distraught woman out of the way of traffic, and to a place of safety. The only other gentleman that came to her rescue was such an angel, and his wife was so kind to wait and allow her husband to play the good Samaritan. The entire rest of the evening was pleasant, and I really have nothing to complain about tonight.
I thank God above for wonderful days like this: days when I get to see the beauty and good in people; days when I get to enjoy simple things; days when I get to be useful and needed; days when I can feel the love God has for his children and for me.
I walked into work, and the very first thing that happened was my co-worker Prema handed me a gift-wrapped box. It contained candy canes, a hot-cocoa packet, and an invitation to a white elephant party. It was adorable, with rhymes and everything! At lunch time, I spoke with my sister Audrey on the phone for about 10 minutes, just to catch up. I bumped into an old friend, Wasami, from high school, and her beautiful little boy. And on my way back to work, I got to help push the vehicle of a distraught woman out of the way of traffic, and to a place of safety. The only other gentleman that came to her rescue was such an angel, and his wife was so kind to wait and allow her husband to play the good Samaritan. The entire rest of the evening was pleasant, and I really have nothing to complain about tonight.
I thank God above for wonderful days like this: days when I get to see the beauty and good in people; days when I get to enjoy simple things; days when I get to be useful and needed; days when I can feel the love God has for his children and for me.
Monday, November 17, 2008
And I live to tell!
Today proved to be a very humbling one. I should have known things wouldn't turn out so well when I refuted the prompting to pray this morning. While driving to work, one of my tires started stripping away badly. The car shook violently, and I was able to pull off to the side safely, thanks to some divine help. I got out of the car to look at the damage, and this is what I saw... (Ugly, so bad)I was so grateful that things weren't any worse. The Lord preserved me once again, despite my insolence. Man am I stupid sometimes, haha. My brother, whom I was speaking to on the phone at the time of the incident, notified his girlfriend and my parents, and rallied their aid immediately. Karen arrived at the scene not 5 minutes later, and my parents were only 3 minutes behind her. Karen dropped me off at work, while my parents went and purchased a new tire, and replaced my old one. They dropped my car off at my place of work way before my lunch time so I could use it, and even put some more gas in the tank. Vivic called again later to check on the progress of my car, and make sure I was okay.
I realized again today how truly blessed I am, and how mindful the Lord is of me. I felt terrible for choosing not to pray this morning, after receiving the small but distinct prompting to do it. I've repented since, and thanked the Lord for being with me today, and allowing me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes, and to grow and mature spiritually. I am so grateful for my family, for the eternal bond we share, and how quick they are to respond to my needs. I love them so much, and thank the Lord that I am so blessed to have them in my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)