I can't sleep. Again. I get up (relatively) early to go to the gym, put in a good day's work, come home (or go out), and take care of little things before going to bed. Often, I put in a movie, and try to lose myself in it. Most of the time, I cannot get emotionally-engaged enough to find the experience fulfilling, or satisfying. I end up feeling more numb than before I watched the movie. Symptoms that my life is not all I would like it to be; I'm depressed.
So many neat things have happened recently, and I keep forgetting to blog about them. Like my wonderful brother and his awesome best friend going out to a gay club with me last week, just so we could go dancing, and hang out together. Or the wonderful people who have recently reached out to me, as if inspired by God to talk to me. Or the workout routine that I've begun and so far am keeping to.
But everyday, I find myself in the same old slump. There are many reasons for the slump that I am not ready to let lay out on the table. I guess I'm just too tired right now to talk about it. Let's just say that there are 3 big contributing factors, and they pretty much are all my fault, so I shouldn't complain. Everyday, it becomes more and more clear to me how truly imperfect I am. I know that I need more of God's help in my life. But I've allowed distance to creep in because I've disappointed Him in so many ways, and it's tough to kneel before him with the conscience I currently harbor. I hate disappointing those I love. It's something I'm all too good at doing. It's only made worse by the silence that often accompanies it; maybe He is trying to tell me something, and I'm just not very good at listening.
Anyway, I don't even know what I'm trying to say right now. I'm just exhausted, and haven't written in a while, and I hoped it would help. It isn't, haha~
3 comments:
EJ, I have been in a similar slump, possibly for similar reasons. The good news? We can change. I get how you feel about prayer, and yet, as a parent, my love for my kids increases when they come to me with their problems. I am saddened for them, but not disappointed in them. Love you man. Bravone
Did you know that the more imperfections we see, the Spirit is letting us know that we need to (and CAN) change. Sometimes it is overwhelming for me (and I'm sure you're rolling your eyes at *my* issues) when I realize how far I have to go... and how I worry so much about whether or not what I am doing is enough to be exalted. Just remember to do the little things. The Lord will bless those who trust in Him and turn their lives over to Him. :) Have faith, everything will turn out.
Junior,
I'm sorry for all the trials you are going through. I suffer through depression as well. Since I suffered through my eating disorder for 8 years I have this distorted perception on self image. however, I think I was faced with this problem to make me stronger, not only for myself but to help those also suffering with image,depression,cutting and obsessive issues. I know sometimes it feels like, "why me?" but why not you? You really help people not only with their testimonies but they know that not everyone's perfect (which I know growing up a lot of people thought you were) and we're all able to have our faults. I love you and you'll push on through :)
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