Wednesday, December 31, 2008

About the Song...

"Walk With Me" is a song I wrote a couple summers ago. I had this beautiful melody that kept running through my head, and the concept of God walking with me was always associated with it. I believe it may have been sparked by the inspirational story "Footprints in the Sand" where the author looks back on his life and sees 2 sets of prints sometimes, and one set of prints other times. After realizing that the single sets of footprints were there during the toughest times of his life, the author asked God where He was during those trying times. God loving replied, "I did not leave you alone. I carried you. Those prints are mine."

I have always loved that story, as cheezy as it may be. It truly tells of my own life experiences: I have witnessed the love of a Heavenly Father who lifts and carries me when my legs lose strength, and I feel too weak to move on. This song is special to me, because it is a reminder to me of what amazing changes have occurred in my life when I've allowed God to hold my hand and walk with me through everything.

As we look forward to the New Year, I find it quite befitting to share this song with everyone. I have big ambitions this year, and some high hopes for the improvement of my own self, and I know that with the Lord walking next to me, I can accomplish anything!

Happy New Year to you all! Stay safe, see you next year!


Walk With Me

I am weak; I've been traveling all day on these feet
And I have no more strength left in me
So if Thou wilt pardon this heart that's been hardened
By these streets
I'm changing right now; Gotta be much more humble somehow
That's why my knees are now touching the ground
I'm praying for mercy from he who has heard me before
To Thee I implore

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Take my hand in Thine and show me the way
Savior, please stay
Come with me, Go with me
Walk with me

I have not the strength to run, I am hardly standing
But if Thou wilt walk with me I can do anything
I will be faithful; I will be humble
Whatever I may need
If Thou wilt walk with me

I am cold; I've been out here all night all alone
And I have no place else left to go
So once again, Father, I'm praying for harbor
From this storm
Dark clouds from above have settled on the path I'm to trod
Still I will not doubt Thy love
Even now as I shudder, I hear Thy voice utter "Peace,
I walk with thee"

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me
Take my hand in Thine and show me the way
Savior, please stay
Come with me, Go with me
Walk with me

My body is failing me; I am barely breathing
But since Thou art with me Lord, I'll get home safely
I will be patient; I will be fervent
And follow where He leads
He who walks with me

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas 2008

Every Christmas, my parents put on a very large Holiday Get-Together with relatives, friends, and missionaries from our church. We typically get anywhere between 20 - 50 people together. For me, it's quite the ordeal. I would much rather have a quieter Christmas with just immediate family. I prefer a more intimate holiday, at home, with little hustle and bustle. Every Christmas, I complain that it's too crowded, too busy, and too noisy, and ask if next year, we can have a traditional stay-at-home family Christmas. Every year, my parents say, "Maybe next Christmas;" and I take it as a "no."

I guess you'd have to know my family a little bit to totally understand. My parents are very generous, loving, God-fearing people. They will give the shirt off their backs to any stranger they thought could use it, even if that stranger already had 3 shirts on. They have always been very popular with my friends, especially at Halloween: my parents would take all of our hard-earned candy, and give it to all of the other kids at school, just to make sure they all had some. It didn't matter if there were any left for us, as long as our friends were happy.

I remember, 6 years ago, when I told my mother that I couldn't go on a mission because I'd broken the law of chastity. Her first question was, "With a girl?" After I shook my head, she asked, "With a boy?" I felt so ashamed as I nodded, I thought she was going to disown me. She sighed, and said, "Oh, son! If it were a girl, it would be okay, we could fix it. But it was with a boy, so I don't know!" I was so shocked, I laughed. We spent the next 3 hours, analyzing my situation and hypothesizing as to why I had feelings for other boys. She was even able to pinpoint one of my ex's, and asked if we'd been intimate. Mothers always know! She felt guilty, she asked if it was her fault that I didn't like girls. I laughed, and gingerly reassured her that it was no one's fault, that it was something I dealt with, and didn't know why.

My mother asked me not to share this with my dad, that she would tell him herself. I was so grateful, I had no idea how to do it. Telling my mother ended up being so much easier than I ever dreamed it would be. My father was not so understanding. She told him that evening as the went to bed. He hardly slept. He cried; in fact, he cried for the next 3 days. He didn't look or talk to me during this time, it was so difficult for him to accept. After the 3rd day, he pulled me aside, very early in the morning, to talk to me about it. I felt so bad for him, to have to deal with the realization that his oldest child, the second man of the family, was unworthy to serve a mission, and worse, was a homosexual. I promised that I would fix things in my life, and that I would be more careful around boys. He half-heartedly believed me, but I could tell this burden would be very heavy for him. He went on to carry it in a very heavy manner for the next couple years, and gradually found solace and comfort as he shared this burden with a dear friend who also was going through the same thing with one of his sons, as he shared it with my sister, and as he grew comfortable enough to joke about it with me.

The older of my two younger sisters was the first sibling I talked to about SSA. She had a hard time with it in the beginning, much like my father. She even lashed out angrily at me from time to time, in frustration and disappointment. She stayed my close friend, though, and I'm so grateful for her support. She is now serving a mission in Las Vegas, and is fulfilling a dream my parents have always had for their children.

My other sister was the last person in the family that I became open to about SGA. I never actually came out and told her; she just always had the sense about me, and I realized one day that we were talking about homosexuality openly, and she was hanging out with me and my gay friends, and she was very comfortable and very much herself. She's now married, and living in Utah with her wonderful husband.

My brother was the most touching when it came to coming out to my family. It was in the afternoon, and I was hanging out with him in his bedroom, talking to him as he cleaned it. I was 20 now, and he was only 15 years old. I don't remember exactly what lead us to the conversation; I just remember receiving the distinct impression that it was okay to share my struggles with SGA with him. I remember telling him, and he stopped what he was doing, looked up at me, and said, "Wait, really?" I told him, "Yes, really." He stood up, smiled at me, and said, "Wow, you know... I didn't know. But I don't care. I love you, you're my brother. If it were someone else, I might care, but it's you, and I don't care." He gave me a big hug, and I stood there, shocked beyond comprehension. I was overwhelmed by the love he showed me, and as I hugged him back, I thanked God that I had such an amazing 15 year old brother. He is one of my very best friends to this day, and has the best gay-dar on a straight man that I've ever met! When recounting this event to him the other night, I almost cried, and he laughed, and remarked, "Wow, I was pretty open-minded, even at 15!"

This year, my sister's aren't going to make it to our Christmas gathering. And, yes, my parents are still putting on a huge Christmas thing, with tons of people, tons of noise, and tons of bustle. But at least I'll have my parents, and I'll have my brother. I am so grateful for them, and the love that they have shown me, all through the years. Sure, they can drive me crazy, but this year, as I celebrate Christ's birth with these people that love me so much, I'm going to remember why I love them so much, and I'm going to smile.

Thursday, December 11, 2008


I've been staying up til 5 or 6 AM every night for about the 2 weeks. I've had so much on my mind, and so much occupying it over the last couple weeks that I've stayed up late either thinking, reading, or playing games to clear my head. Should I invest in some sleeping pills?

This morning, I tried to sleep in, but my parents called me at about 10:30 to let me know that they were doing me a great favor. At the time, I was too groggy to look past the fact that they awoke me yet again at an inconvenient time for me to realize how wonderful they are. I really have been blessed with the best parents ever for me.

When my head isn't quite so clouded, I will sit down and write out all the things I'm thinking about in this big head of mine, haha. Give me a little time to figure it out for myself, and then I'll allow you guys to help me sort it all out again.

Saturday, December 6, 2008


Hey everyone,

Thanks for taking part in this blog. The uplifting comments you leave here, in other online forums, and in person have meant a lot to me. When I first started writing this blog, my motives were very internally-directed. I had no idea it would affect some of you the way it has. In fact, I thought that it would have the opposite effect in more cases than not. Many of you have shown, instead, a great outpouring of love, and a deeper sense of mutual respect and adulation. I shouldn't be surprised in the slightest; I am blessed to associate with such wonderful people.

I have so much more I want to share with you, and with all those in the world willing to hear, and bear my burden. There are days where I feel my burden is much heavier than on others, but all-in-all, God has shown me a great deal of mercy, and I've had my burdens lightened by divine love more than I ever could have asked.

I am so grateful, this month, to share in the joy of the gift of the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ, so many wonderful years ago now. I know it can bog us down, all of the commercialization of this holiday. Still, I enjoy the air of excitement, hope, and cheer that only comes this time of year. It's the way we should always feel when we anticipate the coming of our Savior. I am grateful for this opportunity to remember Christ, and all of the splendor that came with his life and his ministry.

Again, thank you all for taking part in my life's story. I love you all, and wish you the merriest of times this month.