Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Love, Sex, and Magic: Part 1

Part 1: LOVE

DAY 1 - 2:48 AM

It's Friday night, late. I'm flying out of SeaTac at 9:30 tomorrow morning, and I haven't even begun to pack. It shouldn't be a big deal; it's a simple 3 day trip, so I won't need too much clothing. Just something to wear all day tomorrow, something for church on Sunday, and something to roam around in on Monday. Oh wait, I need something for Tuesday, too, since I'll be headed straight to work when I get back. Hey: I can get some of this stuff there in Cali! Besides, I'm too tired to think about it right now anyway.

All I've been able to think about is him: Peter. He's the reason I can't sleep; the reason I can't stop smiling right now; the reason I'm looking forward so much to this mini-vacation. I met Peter about 3 years ago, when I was a secretary to the EQP, and he was a newbie in the ward. I was a young, enthusiastic socialite with a big personality, and he was a handsome 30 year old introvert with no interest in making friends. He intrigued me for obvious reasons, and I pursued a friendship with him for months before I finally found a common interest that broke down the walls: music. He loves to sing, and so the first time I got him to come hang out with me was by inviting him over to play and sing songs around my piano with my fam and friends. We also share a mutual love for "Settlers," and once we made that connection, our friendship was sealed!

Years and many miles later, Peter and I still keep in touch, and visit each other as oft as possible. This weekend, he is flying me out to his place in San Jose to perform an original song of mine in his ward, where they've finally broken him down enough to get him to sing in church. I am SO EXCITED! To get to spend 3 days with one of my most favorite people in the world...

See, here's the thing: I've grown to love Peter so much over the last couple years. No, he's not your typical "Peter Priesthood" (despite the name!), but he is one of the most mature, sensible, funny, and all-around beautiful guys I've ever come to know. He treats me with tremendous respect, he encourages me in all of my dreams, and he makes me feel like a kid again. My favorite thing about him is that he inspires me: he has a way of getting my creative juices flowing, so the music, lyrics, and expression come out of me more naturally. It's a wonderful phenomenon, and I thirst for it insatiably. I guess you could say I thirst for him; I believe I'm in love with Peter.

My best friend Sebaztyan thinks that Peter has the same feelings for me. After all, he's 33, handsome, well-adjusted, and single. He never talks about girls, never has a girlfriend, and never dates. He gives me more attention than he does anyone else we know outside of his family. He spends crazy amounts of money on me to show me he loves me. Still, Peter has never confided any same-sex attractions to me, and I've never discussed mine around him. And it's not like I'm closeted at all. It has just been something we haven't talked about, ever. Sebaztyan thinks that now is the time to tell Peter. He says that if Peter has SSA, and has never had a comfortable opportunity to figure out that part of himself, that I could be doing him a great service by allowing him to talk about it. Besides, what if he's in love with me, too?

So I've decided: this weekend, I'm telling Peter.

DAY 2 - 12:02 AM

My heart skipped a beat when I beheld the sight of him this morning. It has been only 2 months since my last visit, but the 2-hour plane ride felt extremely long, and I was overcome with joy when I saw Pete pull up to the curb. He had the entire day planned: we went shopping, rehearsed through our music, had dinner with friends, and played "Settlers." Pete introduced me to the WiiFit, and we took turns exercising and gorging ourselves on ice cream. Peter called it a night at the stroke of 12, and I let him go to bed before I could have "the talk" with him. It just didn't come up, I guess...

DAY 3 - 12:04 AM

Pete sang like an angel today. I was honored to have my song performed by such a beautiful and talented man, and this only increased my fondness for him. After church, Pete prepared a picnic for the two of us, and we took it to the beach. We ate, we strolled through the sand and water, and talked about everything under the sun... except that. Tonight we watched "Meet the Robinson's" and the pilot to "Glee" before doing some more WiiFit. Pete went to bed again at midnight, and now I'm contemplating why I still haven't opened myself up to him. Maybe I'm just scared. I'm enjoying what we have now so much that I'm afraid of the possibility that it will change. For worse... if I tell him.

DAY 4 - 11:27 PM

Today's my last day in San Jose :(. This morning, Peter took me to the gym and assigned a new workout regime for me. Then we shopped, had lunch at Chipotle, and walked the Monterey wharf. I kept picturing myself sharing times like these with Pete more frequently, if the opportunities presented themselves. It dawned on me that we spent a lot of time doing romantic things without being romantic. Was there a chance that Peter hoped for a romance to bud as much as I did?

Tonight, we watched "17 Again," which we both really enjoyed. During the movie, I kept trying to figure out a tactful way to cuddle with Pete. I never found it, so at the end of the movie, I did a little head-on-the-shoulder lean as we sat together on the couch. He didn't flinch. Things seemed to be going well, when I decided to be a jerk and tease him about something. That led to the silent treatment from him, which led to wrestling from me. He got annoyed, and that put an awkward end to any romantic ploys for the remainder of the evening. My flight leaves at 9:30 in the morning, so we both retired to bed early: Pete to his bedroom, and me to the couch. Alone. Again. Why am I so self-sabotaging?

DAY 5 - 12:41 PM

I'm waiting at SeaTac for Sebaztyan to come pick me, and it's been an hour now. I'd be more upset, but I'm too preoccupied with thoughts of Cali. I woke up 15 minutes later than I should have, which put Pete and me 15 minutes behind schedule. I thought he'd be mad, but he just relaxed and kept an attitude of "let's not worry about what we can't change"... which just made me feel even more guilty. Before he dropped me off at the airport, he handed me a container with chocolate chip cookies and a breakfast shake. As he drove away, I couldn't help but think of what an amazing human being he is, and how much I wished I was as thoughtful, generous, or beautiful as Peter.

I made friends with a handsome college grad from China on the flight home, and we talked about our mutual love for ballroom dancing, travel, and the Seattle social scene. We exchanged contacts, and promised to hang out soon; I should have been more excited, but I felt a twinge of guilt - the kind you feel when you're being unfaithful to someone.

So now I'm sitting on this curb alone, urging myself to grow more accustomed and comfortable with this scene, because at this rate, it's what I have to look forward to doing for the rest of this lifetime. Do I love Peter? Yes. That is why I'm following the advice of someone who once wisely stated, "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." Why am I letting Pete go? Because he's always been God's man. And God deserves him: Peter is the best of the best. So who am I, then, to try and tempt Peter away from the one man that loves him the most? I now realize the truth: Peter was never mine. Even if Pete loves me the way I love him, what would confessing that to each other accomplish? We would both keep our devotions to God, and our relationship would stay the way it is now anyway. I should be happy - at least I can count on having Pete as an eternal friend :)